When situations appear to knock us for six, including ones that may seem quite trivial to others, they can be reminders of how personally we’re taking things, especially when the fear triggers such a painful, visceral response in the body.

My old, lovely friend of a car xx needs to be scrapped now after failing its MOT (v badly) and this has brought up so many fears around money, survival as a single mum for me and my son over many years, being able to work, to travel, independence in a bad marriage, freedom & autonomy, letting go… so much! …and the intense pain that has been in my body since hearing it has almost stopped me in my tracks.

It does seem excessive when, on the surface, it’s about a car … but really it’s about so much more...

It’s so true that ‘the body keeps the score’! The energetics of triggers, traumas and the deep-down cellular fears that are restimulated… sometimes in surprising ways.

And situations can be so relative… to some this might be nothing more than an inconvenience, but to others it can have a huge impact practically, bodily and emotionally.

Have you experienced situations like this?

I’m so grateful for being able to remember my own practices, to self comfort, to release somatically through the body with EFT and quanta healing and to feel open and at peace again …and so to work everything out calmly There was a time when I couldn't do this and the suffering was so much more.

Mostly, I am thankful, despite the pain, that this happens as it shows me areas that still need to be healed and released … and I know through experience that automatic reactions and fears are then transformed and they lose their tight grip.

They are significantly less painful the next time, too!
 
I am also grateful for remembering and knowing that these old pains resurfacing in our bodies are not who we truly are, and as they are seen and ‘held’ they are ‘combed out’ and disperse as the illusions they ultimately are. 


Mention: 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk

#triggers #somatic #healing #hsp #fears

​I hadn’t paid much attention to the Depp-Heard trial, but after reading this article by Charlotte Proudman in 'The Independent', I now do, even though feeling so sick and sad at the spectacle and ‘entertainment’ of it all.
 
Watching an hour of the two testimonies was enough for me to know my response. I felt the truth of Amber Heard’s accounts, knowing myself the sickening predictability/escalation of how Narcissists behave, and then watching Johnny Depp’s performance with his undermining, laughing, disruptions, not taking it seriously… the women-hating, women-killing texts, the drug-filled vitriol & violence… I was astounded when I looked through the responses of support for him – and so many by women.
 
I can’t deny it triggered me into remembering my own experiences. After 8 years of intense inner healing from codependency-narcissistic dynamics, meeting many brave women -and men- along the way, I know the patterns and energies around these, often very subtle, power plays very well.
 
Also the unsubtle, for example when Amber describes being shouted at repeatedly, ‘I F***ing Hate You!’ – I remember being shouted at, right up close to my face, the words spat out, ‘You F***ing C**t, ‘You F***ing C**t’ over and over and over, and fists hitting the wall next to my head. And I stayed. It makes me cry now that I stayed, but being so gaslit, wanting to believe him afterwards when he said he was sorry, and ‘Oh he’s lovely really’ (I Really said and felt this).
 
The continuing abuse towards Amber from entertained onlookers and Depp fans, the discrediting, the bullying, the mocking of her, the professions of ‘l love u even more now Johnny’ by women responding to his testimony - it chills me to the bone. This is playing into exactly what he hoped for with the trial. The power dynamics of narcissistic rage and revenge writ large for the spectacle and drama it is, and all of us – willing observers, and some of us perfect ‘objects’ to play out the game for him.
 
Amber is so utterly brave and strong to be doing this - and facing such continued hate and onslaught from a society that projects so much of its own pain onto ‘stars’, glorifying and then tearing them down, making pariahs of them when they tell the truth, especially when it jars with the manufactured carnival of a dream we all live in.
 
My heart goes out to her and all women who’ve lived through domestic violence.

'I called today, Peter, and you were away.
I look out over Botallack and over Ding
Dong and Levant and over the jasper sea.

Find me a thermal to speak and soar to you from
Over Lanyon Quoit and the circling stones standing
High on the moor over Gurnard’s Head where some

Time three foxglove summers ago, you came.
The days are shortening over Little Parc Owles.
The poet or painter steers his life to maim

Himself somehow for the job. His job is Love
Imagined into words or paint...'

– WS Graham, opening lines of The Thermal Stair (in memory of Peter Lanyon)

I'll be heading back here through the wild winds, thinking of Sydney pretending to be a storm, roaring through the door, Nessie singing... later in February as Artist of the Month throughout March.

... 'Approaching The Gurnard's Head' felting with stitching, inspired by W.S.Graham. Sold.

The whole poem...❤️

I called today, Peter, and you were away.
I look out over Botallack and over Ding
Dong and Levant and over the jasper sea.

Find me a thermal to speak and soar to you from
Over Lanyon Quoit and the circling stones standing
High on the moor over Gurnard’s Head where some

Time three foxglove summers ago, you came.
The days are shortening over Little Parc Owles.
The poet or painter steers his life to maim

Himself somehow for the job. His job is Love
Imagined into words or paint to make
An object that will stand and will not move.

Peter, I called and you were away, speaking
Only through what you made and at your best.
Look, there above Botallack, the buzzard riding

The salt updraught slides off the broken air
And out of sight to quarter a new place.
The Celtic sea, the Methodist sea is there.

You said once in the Engine
House below Morvah
That words make their world
In the same way as the painter’s
Mark surprises him
Into seeing new.
Sit here on the sparstone
In this ruin where
Once the early beam
Engine pounded and broke
The air with industry.

Now the chuck of daws
And the listening sea.

‘Shall we go down’ you said
‘Before the light goes
And stand under the old
Tinworkings around
Morvah and St Just?’
You said ‘Here is the sea
Made by alfred wallis
Or any poet or painter’s
Eye it encountered.
Or is it better made
By all those vesselled men
Sometime it maintained?
We all make it again.’

Give me your hand, Peter,
To steady me on the word.

Seventy-two by sixty,
Italy hangs on the wall.
A woman stands with a drink
In some polite place
And looks at SARACINESCO
And turns to mention space.
That one if she could
Would ride Artistically
The thermals you once rode.

Peter, the phallic boys
Begin to wink their lights.
Godrevy and the Wolf
Are calling Opening Time.
We’ll take the quickest way
The tin singers made.
Climb here where the hand
Will not grasp on air.
And that dark-suited man
Has set the dominoes out
On the Queen’s table.
Peter, we’ll sit and drink
And go in the sea’s roar
To Labrador with wallis
Or rise on Lanyon’s stair.
​
Uneasy, lovable man, give me your painting
Hand to steady me taking the word-road home.
Lanyon, why is it you’re earlier away?
Remember me wherever you listen from.
Lanyon, dingdong dingdong from carn to carn.
It seems tonight all Closing bells are tolling
Across the Duchy shire wherever I turn.
#wsgraham #poetry #felting

Seeing others genuinely happy, enjoying life, at one, laughing, fills me with such an immense glow and happiness too, it's so inspiring, remembering that this is what Life is. I often feel this too, intense joy, glowing, at peace… at work, at home, sudden moments, days, often not for any 'reason' at all.... until, sometimes, later, feelings of guilt and sadness flood in... ‘Don't you see what’s happening in the world around you? You really need to be Doing something... and why should you be happy? How can your happiness actually help others *, isn't it really quite selfish ...in a world full of troubles, how can you even feel happy?’ 

This might seem strange to some, but perhaps you experience this too?

Sometimes the world can appear to be Brexit-sized or terrorist-sized, or party-leadership-contest-sized, or UK-sized, or even world-wide-disaster-sized. Our field of vision shrinks to a bucket-size, little or large, of worrying stories fed to us. Here is what we show you, so eat and digest. This is what is important, your necessary focus, the immense wonder and rich diversity of the world! is not newsworthy. Watch this and then tweet/post outrage to the world via social media and the drama can continue to feed and energise itself in a nightmarish merry-go-round vortex.

We can spin in this fear, and question, ‘Am I doing enough?’ and even berate ourselves, ‘Do you not care that there’s a global climate emergency? You need to DO – and be seen to be Doing - something better'. More and more there's a witnessing of these thoughts now, and a letting them pass, but sometimes they stick around and there's a forgetting, and I'm pulled in. Especially when watching the news each night. I try to listen to the radio news instead, it's less immersive, less on a constant repeat, less sensationalist.

As someone who has cared very deeply her whole life, the media, the state of the world, the inhumanity of human behaviour has affected me greatly. I remember feeling so deeply affected by the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989, sending pocket money to help, and I’m reminded of this when watching the protests in Hong Kong today and longing for a peaceful outcome. I remember the Soviet coup, and Yeltsin opposed to Gorbachev’s reforms, the injustice and fear for Salman Rushdie over his novel ‘The Satanic Verses’… just a very few early memories, each left me crying for days at a world that could be so divided, corrupt, unloving, intolerant, self-righteous, barbaric…and I felt the waves of this right through me. And who was I to have a birthday present when children were dying of neglect? This ‘truth’ felt intensely strong in me. I would feel guilty, wanting to give everything away… Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, depressed for weeks, months over election results, global catastrophes, terrorism, animal cruelty, a beetle dying on the ground next to me… I really was, and am, a sensitive, child, young person and adult (a wonderful gift! but certainly with its difficulties too). The fragile beauty and preciousness and miracle! of the tiniest creature, to the astounding Earth itself and every animal, plant, human being living on it. I always had a genuine bewilderment at the lack of love shown by so many and the lack of willingness to share, in the knowledge that we are One humanity, custodians of this living breathing Being of a planet, which is not a 'resource' here for us, and to be plundered, but to be cherished and celebrated. And we all happen to be here at the same time in history! - how miraculously fortunate and linked we all are!

I feel the solidarity with others as well as the deep sadness and longing for change. As a member of Amnesty International I’ve written letters to prisoners of conscience, a member of Friends of The Earth, the Labour Party, CND, The Green Party, following stories, immersed in wanting to help, lighting candles, writing to newspaper letter pages… nothing felt enough, and as an introvert I usually did this quietly and alone.

Occasionally I joined others – such as guerrilla gardening in London, it was wonderful to be with like-minded others but also felt uncomfortable, the noise so loud at times that it was painful for me, the sheer numbers of others so close. Being kettled in Parliament Square, confronted by police in riot gear, on horses, shields… Again the guilt flooding in, after wanting to cry at the feeling of being so overwhelmed by the energies all around, the volume, some there who didn’t actually feel authentic to me, too. ‘This is nothing Rowena, stop being so selfish, this is for a cause Much bigger than You for god’s sake’. I had my own tyrannical voice playing on a constant loop in my head for many years… (and this continued all the way through to the ending of an abusive marriage, feeling I had no right to complain, it wasn’t that bad (it was), people are far worse off than you and it’s down to you to do and be better… a slight tangent maybe!  but very much relevant in terms of relationship dynamics, wanting to help, self-abandonment, feeling depleted….

It is so easy to be caught up in the circumstances of the reported world that are never-ending, a true longing to help others, and also an ignoring of our own nature, preferences and light, which are often buried very deeply within, or even unknown to us. It is a fact that I  needed to listen, to look within and help myself first. This feels almost too shocking to say, still…

Over the years, I’ve discovered that for some people, finding and following what brings them joy Is truly a radical act in itself and it's beautiful and contagious ...and to feel no guilt, no shame about it… This is so liberating for me, really, almost daring, defiant, when society and The Establishment seems to need you browbeaten, or at least angry within a limited, controllable space... Joy is such a radical shift in perception, acceptance and outcome. Others might not understand, but 'Being Joyful?!... and expressing this even though there’s so much pain in the world?! How selfish' has flipped completely around for me, as I see how the world needs more of this joy now, perhaps more than ever.

It is so obvious. I see the beauty of this in others who are expressing what they love, and have always felt it within, too, but was too ashamed/shy?/lonely/dared not show it.  Yet it is from these local and worldwide spaces of celebration that I've seen communities grow and more and more people awakening and changing together, feeling happier, stronger, clearer... and so often because what truly expresses natural joy is coming from a state of Presence - it is so honest and real. 

How beautiful and healthy if we all knew and felt to connect with, and express this joy within, which is always there, irrespective of circumstances and material possessions...or social norms..! Conflict and violence come from fear, lack and non-understanding of who we are. The biggest tyrants are often the smallest boys/girls feeling a huge lack of authentic love - from personal relationships to the global stage, it’s the same dynamic and causes the same toxic outfall and toxic dancing around them from others. The effects radiate and this is just as true with Love as it is with Fear.

Hiding, feeling small, deliberately not sharing my joy will NEVER help anyone else! And the same with you! – in fact it will only actively help continue the painful situation, helping the negativity which feeds on misery and drama and cannot accept others’ joy, as it feels alien and suspicious… it will help perpetrators keep the status quo… (I've seen too that they sense the saddening lack inside them and so cannot bear to see joy in others…). In an abusive marriage I never dared show my joy, it was kept hidden very, very deeply, protected, and afterwards, little by little it just couldn't be suppressed any longer and it was This joyous energy and Life force that set me free, through art, poetry and colour! The power of this natural joy state within IS immense, in all of us! Whether the example is one person, or a nation, country, planet...

Expressing joy is a huge YES to existence, one full of Love and Gratitude, and this is where positive change can begin, not from enmeshment, reaction, negative energy merry-go-rounds, not from the pain and sadness and anger (which can be catalysts for a little while, but then can often become ego-fueled) but from transformation, celebration, growth, newness, building, networks… and this begins with ourselves.

Also, very often, those who are not as vocal, not expressing opinions on social media, those who are not on marches, will be equally as, or perhaps better informed, and equally as dedicated. They may care deeply, they may not even talk about it very much, even to friends, as often words cannot describe the immensity of feelings and complexity of all aspects they see. Sometimes they might be highly, happy sensitive introverts – like me! - whose nature is not to react, protest, make a noise. We need all of these diversities and can celebrate every one of them for the energies they bring. Things are not always loud and on the surface.

We find our own way to express care and love for others. We see too that Life is not only the individual situations themselves which are reported on the news, heartbreaking though they often are,  but that it is within, underneath and beyond all of them. A momentum grows that is bigger than all of these and is also empowered by coming through these painful situations. There is so much good in humanity, and so many new networks of positivity and joy that are growing beneath and through the surface of things. I truly believe this, in all I see and feel. New voices emerging, new diversities, younger courageous generations and renewed strength in protecting this beautiful earth, this beautiful Being that sustains us… and, I’ve always felt, a joy in knowing that the Earth is bigger than human ego and Will survive us and renew itself, even if mankind destroys itself.

"When will mankind come out of this turmoil? When mankind becomes kind man." - Sri H. W. L. Poonja (Papaji) 
('kind man' and all gender/nonbinary!)

Not suppressing the joy within IS a political act, we hardly dare do it and it is a brave thing to do, as it means expressing our true humanity and nature, our presence, beyond culture, religion, how we are educated, all conditioning and life situations - and not even for a purpose but because it IS our very nature already and one we share with every other person…and animal, plant…on the planet!

It isn’t about disengaging or not caring, or being flippant, or being ‘pink and fluffy’, it’s about seeing the beauty and grace in ALL things.

It is with self-care and love for ourselves, listening, feeling, becoming aware, not shaming ourselves or others and in creating healthy boundaries. Self-compassion feels like a radical act too sometimes. But surely, it MUST start here and radiate outwards.

From this space, creative, fresh, healthy, strong, meaningful and long-term change can happen and this is how you can reach out to connect with others – in whichever way is right for you. For me it is with love, colour, joy, meditation, art, poetry and celebration.

*Our happiness is the greatest force for good and creative change for all.
 
To being gentle, radical, joyful and true - in all our myriad ways, towards ourselves and others...

Rowena x
                                         
                                                                                             *****

I’ve loved this poem for many years, and it is so relevant here, from Rainer Maria Rilke  (1921) x

The Poet Speaks of Praising
 
Oh speak, poet, what do you do?
                                                  --I praise.
But the monstrosities and the murderous days,
how do you endure them, how do you take them?
                                                  --I praise.
But the anonymous, the nameless grays,
how, poet, do you still invoke them?
                                                   --I praise.
What right have you, in all displays,
in very mask, to be genuine?
                                                   --I praise.
And that the stillness and the turbulent sprays
know you like star and storm?
                                       --because I praise.
​

'The foundation for any action you take - let it arise from presence, rather than from a feeling of fear or anger, because these two are not productive. There is enormous power and true intelligence in presence. This is vital.

... Do as much as you can to help with peace in your heart, because otherwise war and conflict happen.'
- Eckhart Tolle

I remember watching an inspirational programme on Bhutan and its redefinition of GDP! ...

Have you ever felt so much joy you just don't know what to do with it?
Yes!!!  :) x

... and this - very happy to have found this post in a blog that I love - this writer resonates so much with me, and often he writes of poems and poets that are very dear to my own heart.

(adding all of these things here really for myself too, to remember)

‘In the dark times
Will there also be singing?
Yes, and there will also be singing
About the dark times.’

– Bertolt Brecht, motto to Svendborg Poems, 1939

Singing and joy and expressing our natural state
​as well as acknowledging and honouring the sadness, loss, fears...

Reasons to be cheerful...

Happiness... with room for the sadness to come x

'What is Joy? Where is it?' - answered by Nick Cave 

'so world is a leaf so a tree is a bough
(and birds sing sweeter
than books
tell how)
so here is away and so your is a my
(with a down
up
around again fly)
forever was never till now '

- e e cummings


I was going to make another Jackdaw sister (for her Sold 8 siblings!) but a different bird appeared... and my female blackbird burbled (a beautiful deep red-brown joyous, contented sound) outside my window as i worked... and as I'd seen three female blackbirds together whilst driving home from Zennor recently... it just had to be her x

And the beautiful, exciting, spiritual, musical, painterful, playful, joyous, gentle e e cummings, whom I've loved, I feel, forever.

To Love, pure Consciousness, Isness...and female blackbirds, within and as and of all of this :)
​

'if everything happens that can't be done' by e e cummings
 ❤️
if everything happens that can't be done
(and anything's righter
than books
could plan)
the stupidest teacher will almost guess
(with a run
skip
around we go yes)
there's nothing as something as one

one hasn't a why or because or although
(and buds know better
than books
don't grow)
one's anything old being everything new
(with a what
which
around we come who)
one's everyanything so

so world is a leaf so a tree is a bough
(and birds sing sweeter
than books
tell how)
so here is away and so your is a my
(with a down
up
around again fly)
forever was never till now

now i love you and you love me
(and books are shuter
than books
can be)
and deep in the high that does nothing but fall
(with a shout
each
around we go all)
there's somebody calling who's we

we're anything brighter than even the sun
(we're everything greater
than books
might mean)
we're everyanything more than believe
(with a spin
leap
alive we're alive)
we're wonderful one times one
.............................................................................
Needlepunch sketch, superfine wool, 29 x 20 cm

❤️ 'What if a much of a which of a wind...' x

​'What it taught me before, I keep. It’s air
ceaseless wind, water and sand.'

- Pablo Neruda

A beautiful windy walk with a friend today... and a view to Portheras Cove - a special place for me as I lived close by when my son was born and often walked with him here ...and to the Lighthouse and Boat Cove.

- and from the astoundingly beautiful poems 'On The Blue Shore Of Silence' by Pablo Neruda:

The Sea

I need the sea because it teaches me.
I don’t know if I learn music or awareness,
if it’s a single wave or its vast existence,
or only its harsh voice or its shining
suggestion of fishes and ships.
The fact is that until I fall asleep,
in some magnetic way I move in
the university of the waves.

It’s not simply the shells crunched
as if some shivering planet
were giving signs of its gradual death;
no, I reconstruct the day out of a fragment,
the stalactite from the sliver of salt,
and the great god out of a spoonful.

What it taught me before, I keep. It’s air
ceaseless wind, water and sand.

It seems a small thing for a young man,
to have come here to live with his own fire;
nevertheless, the pulse that rose
and fell in its abyss,
the crackling of the blue cold,
the gradual wearing away of the star,
the soft unfolding of the wave
squandering snow with its foam,
the quiet power out there, sure
as a stone shrine in the depths,
replaced my world in which were growing
stubborn sorrow, gathering oblivion,
and my life changed suddenly:
as I became part of its pure movement.
.............................................................
This felting, Sold, was inspired by windy walk to Portheras Cove a while ago ...music and awareness...
✨
Felting - using merino, Shetland, Exmoor, tussah silks, wool nepps, bamboo fibre, stitching (36 x 32 cms)
#neruda #poetry #felting #cornwall
​

​After many years something shifts, as the self-love and self-care become real. With dedicated inner work and shifting of traumas, way beyond thinking patterns, you can emerge again and truly feel different, as your reality has changed!. You can forgive yourself and others, releasing fears that have gripped for so many years, blessing others and genuinely wishing them well, which absolutely sets you free - whether you choose to see them again in your life or not.

Perhaps, subconsciously you have been hoping for accountability from someone for their behaviour, and this has kept you hooked in, but you need to know this simply will never happen. Narcissists, those with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) for example, just do not do this, they will never take responsibility or apologise for any of the hurtful behaviour, the lies, manipulation, tantrums, cruelty, gaslighting, ignoring of boundaries or any other dumping of their own pain (that they are not dealing with) onto you. If you’ve broached this with them in the past, and how hurt you’ve been, they will usually turn on you, deny it, get defensive or angry, play the victim or storm off.  

So you need to switch the focus and to self-parent, to give yourself the love and forgiveness that you need so that your health - and life - are not dependent upon what anyone else does or doesn’t do.

It can take decades to reach this point of understanding and if you have young children it is especially wonderful when you do, in order to stay healthy and well for them - your own health and self-care naturally having such a great effect on theirs. The repeating of patterns often stems from childhood, through generations, and if it can stop with you, that’s a huge and significant achievement! You remain unconscious in this destructive dynamic until one day you have to wake up, often for emotional, or physical survival and this point of waking up at last, might be due to a relationship or a marriage which is founded on the same childhood patterns you are still re-enacting 20, 30, 40, 50 years later. 

The patterns often originate in relationships with parents, for example, with a mother who displays typical characteristics of NPD, and who for years may be suffocating, controlling, full of entitlement, rages, unpredictable tantrums and explosions to the point where a child, say a daughter, can be so fearful of her that she hides in her room and prays that she will stay away and leave her alone, her body shaking. Instead, the mother might storm in and shout directly at the child, causing her to want to disappear, to take the beautiful cats and run away. Even with this, as a kind, caring and sensitive child, she will want her mother to be happy, will want to help her feel better, and the daughter internalises the upset and believes it must be all her fault.

In crumbs of moments the mother might be ok and then the daughter will be so relieved, yet will worry about each word she speaks, not wanting to inflame her, and will come to realise that she has no control over this, it's all too confusing and unpredictable. She feels she must be ‘bad’ inside and a bad daughter and becomes hyper-vigilant, sensing the mother’s moods, the constant fearful dramas, and taking on so much of her mother’s pain and rage as well as feeling responsible for her well-being. Living in a house with a whirlwind of hurt and complete emotional confusion affects children deeply and as adults they often naturally perpetuate these patterns by meeting partners who are very similar, again and again and the familiar dynamics continue to play out.

Once, around 12 years old, in a deeply mocking tone, I remember my own mother shouting up the stairs, ‘Who do you think you Are? Ensconced in your room like a Queen... you think you’re too good for the likes of us’. She often told me what I thought, rather than asking – if I told her I really didn’t, and that it was the opposite, she would insist ‘YES you  Do’. There were endless comments like this. I learned to stop replying to these insults as she wouldn’t listen or believe me… that in truth I was scared of her, so unhappy and that I didn’t feel good enough to be around anyone at all, I could blank myself out away from her, immerse myself in books (beloved sanctuaries), be nothing, quiet and at peace.  I just didn’t know how to ‘be’ around her. It was as though it was my responsibility to make her happy, and I’d failed, whilst also feeling very deeply that things were wrong, they felt so cruel and twisted. I often had intense tummy pains too, directly related to this as was constantly anxious, and the guilt and shame were huge, believing that it must be all my fault. I struggled with friendships as a child, had little self-esteem and was fearful of most social situations and interactions. These behaviour patterns continued with boyfriends and a marriage, all so similar. The experiences become a part of you and inform so many future choices and if you’re a sensitive child, they can affect you so much more.

The walking on eggshells lasted all the life at home I can remember, with countless painful incidents and then became especially hard when my brother left for University, with more drama to unfold.  There’s often a quieter, co-dependent spouse in these situations – (often due to parents repeating the patterns they experienced from their own childhood, with their parents) and when growing up my father was mostly emotionally absent and even though ‘there’ was never ‘there’.

I can forgive my mother now for all of her bad behaviour and controlling presence throughout my life - the many situations from my own childhood, the painful and confusing inclusion of me in a new relationship whilst leaving my father, hurtful accusations around circumstances with my grandfather, and also hours after my son was born, turning up at the hospital uninvited, possessive and threatening – an upsetting and unwelcome shock, having no idea she knew and not wanting her to know, alone with my baby son in an open ward with other new mums and having to tell her to leave and at last she did. I forgive her also, for turning up just before Christmas this year, uninvited, unexpected at my home, my safe, warm space that I have with my now 13 year-old son, in doing so letting me know that she knows where I live and that perhaps she’ll turn up another time when she wants to. I comfort and take care of myself now and these triggers pass more quickly and turn into gifts to clear even more trauma and be firm in future boundaries if necessary. These situations teach us to love and care for ourselves even more, strengthening us in situations where we may have felt vulnerable in the past.

It can take a long time to truly know that forgiveness is largely about setting yourself free, from the pain, hurt and resentment, it’s not about the other person/situation/past event. Healing occurs in spiraling stages and when a certain level is reached, the letting go happens, with unconditional love, such a release, for all of those involved; the cage doors open, you step out, fresh air circulates, there is space inside for newness and light, and it’s beautiful - it sounds cliched, but it’s true.  

I feel perhaps these people rely on the fact that you do not feel brave enough to speak out, and it took me years… or they angrily deny everything you say, turning it around and thinking nothing of lying and blaming and projecting onto you, saying perhaps that you are ill, cruel or ungrateful, as they are merely being a loving, kind mother… and in their fantasy – they are, so it is not a lie to them. I’ve found this behaviour has always made me incredibly shaky and have been unable to speak out in case I’m not believed. I’ve experienced this also with my son’s father and my ex-husband. Now, more and more I know that it doesn’t matter so much whether others believe me, these experiences deeply affected me and I can now heal, grow stronger and feel better, irrespective of others’ validation. There are also great gifts and lessons that come from these experiences which I am grateful to my parents and ex-partners for.  

We can also forgive ourselves for longing for others to understand, knowing now that unless you have experienced Narcissistic abuse, you will not know what it is like. Even within families, siblings, who have very different sensibilities are treated very differently, yet subtly so too, and effects on the child differ greatly. As in any relationship/marriage, we all experience upsets, heartaches and break-ups, and I’ve had a couple of ‘normal’ relationships and their happinesses and upsets! but relationships with Narcissists are very, very different  and I’d urge you to look up some of the resources on this in other articles if you want to know more about Narcissism.

The beauty is we can reparent ourselves now, the younger us and the older us and can give unconditional love. We can forgive all of the hurts of the past and let them go, and I truly feel, after 40 years, the fear has only just dissolved. We can also know that we cannot change the situation regarding others, nor should we be trying to, and it’s wrong, and futile, to try to change others. Other people are responsible for how they choose to behave and interact, for what is right for them in their own lives, and we can respect that now, knowing the absolute truth that it is impossible to make someone happy, just as our happiness is  never anyone else’s responsibility!

What we can do now, that we couldn’t as a child, is be true to our values and own way of living, to what matters to us. We can state our own boundaries, and what we will and will not allow or accept in our life. We can honour ourselves now and if this is not acceptable to our parents or anyone else, then that can be so, without fear or guilt. The social conditioning surrounding family ties is so strong that there’s an intense taboo with this, and it can take many years to let go of this ‘longing for things to be different’ and to assert ourselves, and be happy, beyond our ‘role’ of ‘daughter’ or ‘son’ or whomever. It’s also the truth that it takes a great deal for a daughter to feel she cannot see her mother for over 10 years, as the damage has been continually so distressing up to that point. A lot of hurt has had to happen to cause a loving daughter to break ties in this way and say ‘Enough’.

Now, in my own life I no longer accept disrespectful, manipulative, hurtful behaviour or non-reciprocal relationships. When I set a boundary and it’s repeatedly dismissed, then the relationship can fall away. My mother’s banging on my front door in the road and shouting, 10 years ago, ‘I don’t need an appointment to see my own daughter!’, after I’d stated that if we were going to meet it had to be somewhere neutral, contributed to the No Contact ever since. Actually, Yes you do need an ‘appointment’ as you call it. We did not have the type of relationship where I appreciated you just turning up. You were not welcome in that way. How you deal with this is up to you. Either you respect my sincere and reasonable wishes or you do not and the consequences either way will happen. I see now how strong I was all those years ago.

A narcissist cannot tolerate an equal relationship, there has to be power and control involved in some way, without compromise, which they see as ‘weak’, in fact they see compromise as the other person manipulating them. I learnt that also with a Narcissistic husband.

Becoming stronger and more aware means that so many beautiful openings become possible. For many years I feared exploring my own passions, being creative and expressive, using my own voice… and that this developed into creating an art business was astounding! - I never thought I’d ever be able to do this. Creating a website and having a FB business page was full of so many fears at the start, mainly as I knew that my mother would be ‘right there’ always. I nearly didn’t start at all because of this but I am so happy and grateful that I found the strength to do it anyway, much of this new confidence being down to a course taken via The Happy Sensitive. At last I didn’t hide what I love any more, through fear. I’d kept this light and love so close and protected as a child, not wanting her to ‘steal’ or ‘claim’ things that were so close and dear to me… and this light had felt so tiny and almost seemed to disappear at times.... It is still hard and upsetting sometimes today, and I know she 'shares’ every post I write to her own page; I’ve been told this, but instinctively knew it anyway. Perhaps this has been a good thing, as a constant reminder that I CAN carry on irrespective of what she is or isn’t doing, and that might sound like nothing or ‘silly’ to some but it’s a HUGE achievement and liberation to me.

The fact that I feel free now also means I can share articles such as this one and not fear the wrath, or the victimisation stories or, ‘what a cruel daughter I have, but I love her anyway’ - type comments. Such comments have no truth and now they have no power over me either; what is said really doesn’t matter to me anymore. The fear is gone and I wish her well; when the fear goes, love and gratitude are present – not necessarily for reuniting in person but as a general love that exists for all.

I can also forgive myself for all the destructive relationships I’ve had all my life, repeating the patterns of trying to appease angry people, emotionally absent people, trying to ‘make it right, make them truly love me’ this time. All the Narcissistic rages and violence, my son’s alcoholic father, the cruelty and controlling in my marriage. All unconsciously re-enacting patterns that were so familiar to me, stuck in a painful, blind dynamic of trying to give love into a black hole, to people who, so tragically, hated themselves at heart and so couldn’t really love another anyway, despite my trying to get them to see how wonderful they were really…oh my gosh, that naivety makes me shudder now at the physical and emotional danger I put myself in sometimes, with an ex-husband who used to get so angry he ‘could put a knife through someone’s face…don’t you GET IT ROWENA??!!’ he’d shout at me. 

I think of Maya Angelou and her words, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them – the First time’. And when the mask of charm slips, as it will with a Narcissist – run. And feel utterly relieved (you won’t at first) if they discard you suddenly for new Narcissistic supply when they know you’ve seen through their mask at last. In fact, learn to recognise the charm for what it is at the outset – manipulation, they want something you have, which is often your light, goodness and joy…or the kudos if (unlike me!) you’re rich, have material things or a reputation… they like to bask in this and claim it as their own.

I’ve felt a call to write this, partly as an honouring of my own journey and also in the hopes that even if one person comes across it and something written resonates with them, then I hope it helps. I hope the tone comes across in the way I’ve felt it when writing, not of ‘blaming’ anyone, not of making anyone ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but in an honest account of experiences that have affected and shaped me, woken me up and helped me to shift into such a new, healthy understanding.

I know, from my own work and learning in this area that many of these patterns are the same for many people, of all ages, and there are beautiful resources out there and so much love, understanding and support that can truly help you break free from repeating these awful and, it’s not extreme to say, sometimes life-threatening relationships and dynamics. This is such an important achievement for parenting our own children and breaking the generational patterns too x

It’s in the nature of these relationships to get worse, and you will be complicit in repeating the behaviours again and again until you HAVE to wake up … and this often takes decades - it took me until my early forties and a string of upset, violence, self-abandonment, fear and devastation and I know of others much older, it’s never too late - and you might feel you are a worthless shell of a person right now, getting an emotional, psychological and often a physical beating… but this CAN and WILL – and MUST! – CHANGE.

…and only YOU can do it – with loving support.

xx rowena

If I hadn't encountered these and all that unfolded, I would never have been able to express my joy and create, felt or paint, share my work or flourish and thrive!

Over the last few years I've read so many books and articles that have helped me immeasurably, in opening up to awareness and understanding of my own experience on the topics of Narcissism and being Highly Sensitive and an Empath. These have in turn led me to mutually supportive communities and individuals who have been inspirational in the most beautiful ways, and also, ultimately and  fundamentally, to an experiential understanding 'beyond' the book reading. xx

These resources can lead us to other 'resources'... ones that will become 'pointers' towards an awareness that is far deeper than 'gathering information' or of cognitive awareness/understanding; an awareness that lies beyond any labels we may have for ourselves - labels which may be true on the level of how we function in the world, as individual personalities with particular character traits, such as HSP and Introvert, yet these labels are not the Truth of who we essentially are, beyond our 'form' identity. We can forget this when we are so enmeshed in everyday life, or in situations that may be traumatic, and so at these times, gaining an understanding of how we live and function in the world can be helpful and lead us to others who experience similar, which is a beautiful support, as here we can acknowledge our humanness and individuality, and experience self-compassion and healing ...

... and then we can go beyond these aspects of who we are, on the surface, and the ideas we have of ourselves into the greater truth and recognition... with so many thanks, in my case, to nature, poetry, art, Rumi, Buddhism, Mooji, Eckhart Tolle ...and many experiences from a young age which gave me glimpses of this true awareness of who we really are, of our essential consciousness...

Here's a collection of some resources, partly for my own reference but mainly for any others who come across them and find them of interest and perhaps helpful...

If you come across this page and would like to suggest any other books/resources on these topics that you've found helpful, or would like to make any related comments, please do, in the comments below, or email me :)

These categories do intermingle...  

'Empower your life with Gentleness' by Bingz Huang is a wonderful, practical guide on self-compassion and kindness, for HSPs, Empaths and everyone!

Beautiful TED talk!! xx
​'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a world that can't stop talking'

Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön

Advaita teacher/'pointer' - Mooji
Also many wonderful online videos! 

Eckhart Tolle  - and many online videos!

Louise Hay, Robert Holden, Marianne Williamson, Eileen Caddy, Wayne Dyer...

​
​This morning I listened to ‘Natural Histories’ with Brett Westwood on Radio 4.  I can hardly believe the effect a 30 mins programme can have! Heart beating with excitement, and, honestly, pure joy… listening to an exploration of the dung beetle – in poetry, literature, music and art. 

As one of the contributors mentioned, when describing how the dung beetle navigates using the Milky Way, it makes his chest ‘feel expansive’… such astounding wonder! I feel this too - and also when listening to these programmes!

Artist Billy Childish performed his dung beetle song and an entomologist described how they are ‘relentlessly optimistic creatures’ and that you can see it in their eyes 😊 It takes 20 mins to create their dung ball and then, if a female comes along, she climbs onto it, walking backwards on top of it, like a great circus act, whilst the male rolls it along, backwards! in an astonishingly straight line… oriented by the stars.

How beautiful and comical and deeply poetic …. x
 
And Sarah Watkinson’s beautiful poem x

DUNG BEETLES NAVIGATE BY STARLIGHT*
 
I track my treasure home on star beams, hide
my finds in caverns, steer them clean away,
before I’m stranded in the clueless day
with all my musky gleanings dull and dried.
Straightness is all. The constellations guide
my angled legs. The facets of each eye
lock on to glimmers. Sensed how? Who can say?
The system works for me. I’m satisfied.

I know those lines of light shine down for me,
the dung deposited on dewy ground
a providence. Through moonless dark I see
in multiple dimensions beacons round,
and every blessed night miraculously
Precipitates new turds for me to find.

*Dacke, M et al., 2012. Dung beetles use the Milky Way for orientation. Current Biology.

From Norwich Writers’ Circle Open Poetry Competition 2013 Anthology, poems selected by George Szirtes

To all single mothers, through all the types of despair, uncertainty, guilt, shame, sadness and loneliness, joy and wonder, that can only be felt by you, who have experienced parenting in this way.

To all the single mums who are always the ones who cook, clean, shop and take the bin out, make the meals, tuck their child in at night, do the school runs, take to see friends, read the stories and poetry.... (all such honours! x but always all alone) decide on rewards, what is ok, what’s not...the worries about ‘one-sidedness’ and trying to represent all sides to the child!... the chats, totally by themselves, every single day. To the hard graft of parenting, the emotional stings and fears and uncertainties, the guilt, the joys and wonders and experiencing all these alone with your child. The gripping financial fears, the sorting out of bills, phoning, utilities, banks, always alone, the dread of looking at the bank balance, the working tax credit letters through the door, the worries about buying new school shoes, a replacement PE kit when lost. The huge fear of car breakdowns, and the costs, the replacements, the MOTs... organising all of these things alone.
 
To all the single mums longing for a family for their child, and in some cases having to keep themselves healthy and strong meaning certain life-long, destructive family relationships falling away when boundaries are disrespected over and over and painful dramas mean they have to say no more. The priority must be in keeping well for themselves and their child. To all the kind and gentle mums who suffer years of guilt and fear over their choices, and how others, unknowing, may judge, but here's to the mums who know in their heart how necessary and right this is and who trust in their own knowing.
 
To all the single mums of a single child who worry over holidays, school holidays, weekends and long for family to get together, perhaps even holiday together, to feel the closeness and shared times of family. Even though this, too can feel sad as when a child is little they may sense the loss of what they don’t have, especially when the holiday ends and you are both at home again.  

To all the mothers and children who grow into the knowing that a one parent family can be beautifully enough and full of joy...and challenges! and all the other ups and downs and learnings of larger families, and that nurturing a warmth of love for ourselves and all situations gives such true strength, empathy and sensitivity, for ourselves and others in all types of situation as we grow and experience though life. To all the family members who recognise this and support where they can, and who show such love and care, it is so very much appreciated and loved and would always be reciprocated wherever possible. To all the wonderful male role models in families, your presence is so very loved and treasured. 

To all the single mums who take their children on holiday alone, such an achievement!! The planning, the travelling, the sharing, the fears that the child might feel lonely, (the joys when you realise they don't! and you have a wonderful adventure),  the creative organisation due to very limited financial resources, the saving each month over a year, the extra weekend cleaning jobs you do. To all the single mums who acknowledge their own worries and lack of confidence, letting these fears be there, but not running the show :).
 
To all the single mums who say no to relationships for the sake of being in a relationship, and to those who say no more to abusive relationships with grown men who behave like entitled angry children and threaten violence and hatred in their impotence. To all the mothers who know that an abusive or uninterested/ emotionally unavailable father or step-father at home can be far more damaging than no father at all. 
 
To all the mums who want good, enriching male role models for their sons and feel happy when there are good male teachers in their child’s school. To all the great male teachers, thank you so much - your influence goes so far beyond the classroom.
 
To all the mums who always attend school events alone, parents evenings, seeing the teacher, awards evenings, Christmas nativities, school plays, and looking around at all the other families, and the sense of loss and sadness for your child, and yourself, especially in the early days. To all the mums who feel a bursting with pride and joy but have no one to share this with. To all the mums who try to balance all of this so well so that the child doesn’t take on these emotions. To all the mums who talk openly a little about their feelings in these areas with their child, when their child is old enough, always reassuring that things are ok, whilst also being truthful and showing that all emotions are ok too, it’s good and important to express these and to listen when their child also expresses how they feel, welcoming all feelings, angers, upsets, joys and worries as they come and go.

​To all the single mums agonising over working hours, home hours, wanting to be there for their child but being the single earner, on top of the clash of a job that sometimes causes illness. To the single mothers who feel pressurised to go back to work too soon, perhaps even before their child is 6 months old, perhaps even whilst in the midst of post-natal depression and aloneness. To all the mums in the grip of conditioning and ought tos and shoulds, from the birth of their child, it is such a huge weight and pressure to bear.
 
To all the mums who are dads too and who cry at night, wondering if they are ‘enough’ and how their child will ‘turn out’. Such a gripping, overwhelming fear especially in the first 10 years, but never really going away. To all the mums who develop such a new strength that also frees their child to be who they are, to compromise, to learn, to trust in the knowledge that actually they are doing a brilliant job and to know, too that their child is following their own path. To all the children who grow up knowing and trusting their own strength and sensitivity.
 
To all the single mums who nurture themselves and show self-compassion and love, and in doing so are teaching their children to do the same. 
 
To all the mums who do their best, make mistakes and can forgive themselves. And also forgive themselves for 'wrong'/damaging relationship choices in the past, to realise they were stuck in repeating extremely damaging patterns full of self-negation and sadness from childhood. To all the mums who are open and growing and becoming conscious beings, bolder and brave in facing their fears, honouring their past, working hard and moving through, learning and connecting with the new.
 
To all the single mums being more of who they truly are, even a little bit, more and more, not hiding, not afraid, and therefore a beautiful role model to their child. 
 
To all the mums who help to show their child how utterly amazing they are, just as they are, already, unconditionally - not in an ego sense, but as the miraculous spark of life they are, as we all are.  And to the mums who behave in ways where this is felt by the child, too - not just told. We show each other who we are, not in words alone, but in actions and interactions. 
 
To all the mothers who know and trust, with heart, that their child will find their own way, with so much love, knowing how loved and loveable they are.
 
To all mothers who wake up and learn so much wisdom from their children and are given the miraculous chance to reparent themselves, in becoming the parent they too would have loved to have. To all the wise, wise children.
 
To all the single mums who have never had a baby, a toddler, a five year old, a 7 year old, a 10 yr old, a teenager and who feel so very blessed amongst the ever-new challenges, sadnesses, fears, emotions, practical difficulties as a single parent, the loneliness, and who hide most of it but who find support where they can, perhaps even in online supportive communities, and increasingly in their own recognition that if they listen, in the silence, their own wisdom shows them the way and gives them all the strength and love they need. 
 
To all the single mothers who juggle all of this with jobs, maybe 2 or 3 and still experience disapproval from others that they are not doing enough. To all the mothers who still yearn to help others, and love that their job has helped others believe and achieve in their studies, and knows this because they are told again and again by their students. 
 
To all the single mothers who begin, little by little, at a point in their own healing to feel they can give even more back and help other women, those who have experienced family relationships/partners with NPD and who can shift the focus from those other parents/partners and the repeating patterns, back to themselves and their children, and their own healing, strength and beautiful lives. It takes such dedication and hard work and without any doubt is the best surety against destructive and desperately sad patterns repeating through yet another generation. Healthy, happy mum certainly helps to equal healthy, happy child x
 
To all the single mothers who begin to start listening to their hearts, to begin living authentically, embracing their sensitivity, irrespective of how others define them or tell them who they are. To mothers who pay no heed anymore to the boxes/definitions/projections others have seemingly put them in and suffocated them with before. 
 
To all the single mothers who start to build a business from scratch, who dare to be brave and show their work... whether writing, artwork, anything! Who, alongside all the fear and self-doubt and worry, start from the bottom, on their own, learn the basics whilst also working through the night to produce original works to sell, who then reach out to others more experienced, who work hard and learn and learn and then go to the day jobs... and the home jobs ...To all the mums who Still experience from family/others that they are not working/doing enough... I say to these beautiful mothers... Stop! Please please stop looking for their approval... how others feel about you is Not really anything to do with you, but their own agendas/issues/whatever! There will be some people who Never think you are enough or behaving or doing things as you ‘should’, even those you love... and That is ok. It might hurt for a bit, or forever, but it is still ok xxxx please please do Not let this dishearten you. And certainly do not take on these opinions yourself, they do not belong to you. You know who you are and all that you do xxx 
 
To all the single mothers whose sons grow up respectful of women, their strength and resilience and sensitivities and old sexist stereotypes do not register with them. To all the sons and daughters who learn self-respect and loving kindness and so contribute to creating a compassionate world. 
 
To all the single children who are so kind and thoughtful, who have felt so lonely at times, without siblings or a responsible father they see regularly. To all the mums whose heart breaks for their child still, a little bit, when they write those words.

To all the children of single mums who are thriving and happy and full of life and empathy for others! Who are funny, kind, bright and amazing teachers to their mums, in ways they may never fully know xx

​To all the single mums and children who have inadvertently received such healing gifts x
 
To all the beautiful single mothers and beautiful sons and daughters xxx 

I’ve never really liked labels, but when I heard about HSP, Empaths, and the power within introversion, I felt a singing and a soaring and a happy ‘Yes-ness!’ and ‘at last!’ inside…

Initially, this post was just going to be about, ‘On not being a dumping ground for other people’s issues and crap – Any More! Yes!!’ (even typing the word ‘crap’, for me, is liberating! Even when, sometimes YES! that IS what it is!)  …but the post has changed a bit along the way… If it resonates with you, please do comment :) 

It’s wonderful to know that others’ issues, when energetically projected onto you, unconsciously, and often consciously, too, CAN be returned. They can be returned to sender - dumped into an imaginary rubbish bin that stands beside them, ready for when they are able to deal with them later, themselves. For this, you need to stay centred and strong and observe what is happening – it can take quite a bit of practising, but it works. You can also release any energies from your body, feeling them, their colour and shape, texture…and move them out, flowing down and through to the earth where they can be organically composted and transformed into good…. There are many self-compassionate ways to help the body release the physical aches and intense pains that these energies and emotions can create.

There are situations you might come across every day… at home, at work, even brief exchanges that can knock you out, zap your energy in a moment, leaving you drained, confused and upset and perhaps unsure why… ‘energy vampires’ is a term often used and it is so fitting. There comes a time when you also Have to extricate yourself from others’ issues that have had a long-term grip, (you realise the issues are still holding on to you because you are complicit, in some way) and also the time comes to let go of others’ limiting opinions and beliefs about you, and stay true to your own vision. You have to release the associated emotions and feelings from deep inside your body, too, and then you find quite often that these were Never your own feelings anyway, but they took up home and over the years you identified with them and they kept you hiding and fearful; the lack of self-esteem, the feelings of ‘being bad’ – they belonged to the Other Person – but you took them on, took all sorts on from others, from a very young age – struggling and feeling split, with guilt, shame and responsibility for their load.

As an adult, things have to stop being all about other people; it’s a time to take responsibility for your own feelings, not others’, and to find out who you really are, to stop abandoning your own looking and to come home to your own self and recognise the happiness that is there – it’s not conditional on others and how they are with you. Then you can release the past so that it is not also your present experience. You can honour and forgive in order to free yourself (and others) and then you are no longer a ‘match’ to be triggered by them – something in their behaviour is no longer highlighting a lack or a pain that you used to feel – (yet the Return to Sender technique still comes in very handy in the moment at times!!). After a while you can develop a very good ‘Narcissist radar’ too, as long as you trust your intuition, your body will always alert you to all the warning signs and red flags – you feel it very quickly on encountering someone like this and so can then focus, or leave, or use a ‘grey rock technique’ and feel stronger, less attached, less vulnerable. You can also, much later, perhaps years later, wish them well ...this is easier with casual exchanges but much much harder with deep hurts from childhood and personal relationships...but this too may come. We realise too that our essence never suffers or is hurt.

To me, it has been so important and helpful to recognise again and again, (as I felt deeply when so little), that at essence we are ‘simply’ (but simply meaning So much!) life force/ energy/ a spark of consciousness/ Being-ness – and ALL of us are that! We are all the same infinite essence, all one life source on this planet – it is so uniting-ly clear! to me, (but may seem 'woo woo' to others?!)…. and as humans, in our lifetimes, we are also uniquely different expressions of this essence, just as waves on the sea are different from each other, but all the same sea, all the water; we are different ‘human expressions’ of the same thing.  It is only when this is forgotten, through growing up with societal conditioning, family conditioning, ego ideas of who we think we are, etc etc that our different expressions become so divisive and separating; it is only when we get further and further away from remembering our essential selves, believing we are ONLY our ‘different types of expression’, our bodies, our ego ideas - that we experience anguish, breakdown, hostilities, war in the name of religion and politics, aggression, disorders….and situations of power, control, violence and manipulation in everyday relationships.... and ego energies forcing themselves onto others, knowingly or unknowingly.  If only we could remember who we essentially are, and also, so wonderfully, accept ourselves for our human differences ALONGSIDE knowing our essential One-ness. Imagine the ludicrousness of waves on the sea having a sense of ego, or jostling to claim superiority as the ‘right’ wave or the ’best’ wave…. and all return anyway and melt into the ocean from which they came and of which they were always constituted...just as our life-force energy.

Back to the human uniqueness and our individual expressions …! I’ve never really liked labels but when I heard about HSP, Empaths, and the power within introversion, I felt a singing and a soaring and a happy ‘Yes-ness!’ and ‘at last!’ inside – this certainly feels to be my expressive ‘type’ as a being in the world 😊 – (whilst knowing that the essence of all of us has no ‘type’ at all, it just ‘is’ life-energy).

Sensitivity is a strength and a gift and I am reminded of this every day – with the ability to feel deeply, with intuition and heightened senses, compassion, thoughtfulness, attention to detail, dedication, empathy, wholeheartedness, gentleness, the ability to see all colours - beyond the black and white in situations … yet so often HSPs can be taken advantage of, treated terribly, abused -  as a consequence of having these beautiful traits, by others who are so far removed from who they really are they cannot experience these feelings but instead are full of entitlement, anger, grandiosity, superficial ‘masks’; they are controlling, manipulative, bullying, and void of empathy - yet often initially charming, flattering and ingratiating and very good at playing the victim. Every single one I have ever met has been destructively ‘agonising and tortured’ inside, in a constant struggle of identity – and this IS sad and was the hook that kept me stuck as I could empathise with this - yet what you realise, with an absolute shock, is that theirs is a manipulative game - there is no 'depth' at all, it is not 'real'... And they have no desire to change anyway, it is always everyone else in the wrong, everyone else, the f***ing idiots, causing them this trouble and when you do care, and empathise with them, giving so much love into a black hole, (and it is never enough) you will ultimately be treated terribly ...and despised too.

I’ve met many HSP friends over the last few years, whilst exploring, learning and recognising the strength of sensitivity,  coming out of difficult times, gaining courage… and also whilst starting to create my art business and I am so very very thankful to them all.  

There is a definite connection between being HSP and my style of felting, the poetry I love, intuitive painting, spirituality and also the way I approach my business… and I’m hoping to explore this further as I learn and experience more.

When starting, the name Rowena Scotney Feltings chose itself – and the association and pun was present, but I truly didn’t realise it! - with being deeply felt, meaningful and an authentic expression, and it has become more and more apparent to me. My personal name isn’t really important to me, but the ‘Feltings’ is, because it is through this form of expression, in my case, that joy and colour and love of life can be expressed. It’s a way of celebrating and being so grateful that I am alive as this life energy – my work is a kind of honouring of this. And it doesn’t have to be ‘good’ – but I’m so happy that others enjoy it too and that it communicates something to them x

The exploring of this, and feeling brave and more visible creatively, only happened after many years of recovering – and then thriving! - from life patterns that kept me stuck again and again that were so destructive and upsetting, with narcissists, bullies, alcoholics and abusers.

…Also, to go back to the beginning of the post, what’s great is that there comes a time when the projected energy from others doesn’t even need to be returned to them, as you see it, blowing around them, like loose windy threads, reaching, but not coming close – you can witness, acknowledge the other’s personal issues, know that it is not who they really are anyway, and remember it is not your job to be entangled in them, or to try to heal them – this isn’t kind to yourself or the other person in the long run (and of course, you can NEVER ‘heal’ them).  But, most significantly you don’t feel guilt, shame, or that you have 'failed' somehow for that any more. Hallelujah!!! (So many women in patterns of co-dependent – narcissistic relationships NEVER escape this abusive nightmare and it is heart-breaking; they become hollow shells and shadows of who they beautifully are.)

I’m still trying to find ways to be able to articulate this more clearly and am hoping to combine all of these issues somehow in the future, perhaps to help and encourage others, too, and together to share resources and ideas? – issues of thriving after narcissistic abuse, finding your joy (that is always, always still there, your essence!), setting healthy boundaries full of self-respect, being HSP and an Empath, Introversion and creating a business, being a mum, a single-parent... art, poetry, healing, spirituality... 

….hmmm it will all unfold in its own time, little by little maybe, and gently…I can just feel it 😊

 
*** See also, for starters:

The Happy Sensitive  - Empathy, Narcissism and HSPs – and much more invaluable info!

Melanie Tonia Evans - and excellent 16 min video 'How to Heal the Wounds from Narcissistic Mothers'.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery expert - a mass of free videos and articles

Melanie Tonia Evans - Wonderful 30 minute interview with Christiane Northrup - Empath's Guide to Healing
                                         - On so much! regarding narcissism, being an empath and healing... x
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Melanie Tonia Evans - Such an important article - 'Parents empowering themselves for their children's sake'

My blogpost on Narcissism and Codependency

'Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' by Karyl MacBride - You are NOT your mother's NPD burdens, even if, as a loving and sensitive child you wholly took them on, setting up patterns for the future... this is not about blame or guilt, but about taking personal responsibility to understand, make sense, clean up the inner wounds and create a healthy, happy life and also, crucially, to break the generational patterns, so that we do not keep these wounds going, inflicting them onto our own children.
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The Wellspring of Compassion by Sonia Connolly - beautiful book for trauma of all intensities - and with lots of helpful techniques - including asking, 'What if this energy isn't mine?' - if it isn't, you feel instantly lighter :) 

...also many many other wonderful books and resources that I could recommend! 
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Just to say 🌟thank you🌟 so much to everyone for all the support, encouragement and kind warmth, likes, messages and comments on my FB page, Instagram, Twitter and via this website. And to all who have bought my feltings, prints, cards and sheep. So much gratitude x 🌻

When you have said to me that the feltings bring you happiness, that they help to evoke memories of treasured times in Cornwall or that they make you smile... it means so much, my work being enjoyed by others ...and so helping in a small way, to spread colour, joy and poetry far and wide x

It's such a learning journey, creating a business part-time, bit by bit and has been a couple of years for me now, starting from deep fear about calling myself an artist and showing publicly anything that I'd made, due to enormous fears of criticism and self-judgement, and my natural introverted inclination for hiding ... and also knowing very little about business necessities ... through to gaining greater courage about my work and developing an increasingly braver visible authentic expression! This has also involved time and healing through self-compassion and much inner-work after many years of darker times, recognising and dissolving deep family patterns, and creating necessary, healthy boundaries for both emotional and practical care. Without these measures there would be no business or artwork... the flourishing is the natural joyous outcome of great shifts and inner work, as well as much outer work too :-)  More on the inner work  here  if you'd like to read more x

Sometimes scary too, as a single-parent to make the leap, reduce the 'day job' hours and hope very much to be able to pay the bills, juggle all and still be a good parent too!  - Perhaps some of you have done this too? I'd love to hear! - And taking various other seasonal jobs that fit in with childcare, some extra teaching, gallery work, creating my own artwork far into the night ... A free-range style living!  one dedicated to listening from the heart and taking one step at a time. ❤️ It can be lonely too at times (but wonderful and like-hearted friends!) and many friends discovered all around the world, in online communities along the way - i love the internet!) ... and times of tears of frustration at my non-techie mind, just not 'getting it' - re websites, social networking accounts, newsletters etc etc etc oh and businessy things like accounts, money, selling etc arrrrrrg, so alien to me!  ..and then... always getting it in the end... :-) just taking quite a long time...

I love love love how it all unfolds, one step leads to another and another and it's so beautiful I can hardly believe it. x🌿🌱🌻🌷

Thank you again.
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 xRowena  

​Creating a felting inspired by a poem by Nessie Dunsmuir has been a process full of developing greater understanding and inspiration.

W.S.Graham is a fascinating poet, writing profound and exciting poetry and letters and his partner, Nessie Dunsmuir has a presence that is woven lovingly throughout his life and work. I’ve wondered about her, a quiet, supporting strength to WSG and resolved to find out a little more about her, in her own words.

I’d discovered that a slim volume of her poetry had been published, but couldn’t find a copy until I thought of The Hypatia Trust  which collects, and makes available, published and personal documentation about the achievements of women in every aspect of their lives. I contacted them in Penzance, Cornwall and they have a copy in their poetry collection! housed in the beautiful Victorian mansion that is Morrab Library.
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It was emotional and sensitive and I felt like I was meeting her at last, Nessie in her own words. 
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​Reading the poem 'By the Window' created such strong visuals for me and I just had to create a felting!
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By the Window
by Nessie Dunsmuir
 
Here by the window blackthorn and elder tree
sharpen my sight to love. The shadows of
small birds descend and raise,
clearer than print on page,
deeply forgotten colours of my stumbling days.
 
The Easter fields of children turn again
the legend’s wheel. The painted eggs begin
to roll our death away.
In the cold April day
each child is blessed and lies with Spring within.
 
Here by my head blackbird and beaded tree
borrow me back from Easter’s cross and kiss.
Bracken fronds hand me light.
My own beginning eyes
load at the sill the buds breaking to white.
 
                                                                          (1945)

I love the themes of newness, beginning, Spring, peace, love, light, reminiscence, looking onto a brighter, more hopeful world -individually to universally and the cycle of life…
I loved the imagery of Easter, children, painted eggs, a cold April day, a blackthorn, buds and flowering, the elder tree, the flying birds in the scene falling and rising and the image of the printed page…their shadows, marks and meaning… and the blackbird had to be Nessie, a female blackbird, looking out, observing….

Finding out more about the symbolism of the elder and blackthorn was fascinating, too, I’ve always known these twisted, gnarled branches as witchery fingers and that they are associated with the dark side of the year and quite sinister, however the Celts observed that this tree produced some of the sweetest berries among the sacred tribe of trees, at their most succulent and sweetest after a hard frost… the blessing comes after the challenge.

The elder too, as the Goddess tree, the Elder Mother, The Queen of Herbs, full of magical, sacred properties; a tree of beginnings and endings, of birth and death, a spirit of transformation and the crossing of thresholds…

It's wonderful to be a part of this 20 minute film about Penzance, Cornwall and the local area, by Italian filmmaker Sara Pozzoli.

Sara contacted me a while ago after seeing my exhibition over the summer, and asked if I'd like to take part in her film, featuring the town and its traditions ...

I watched the finished film over Christmas and it's a beautiful, gentle portrait of a day, from sunrise to sunset... with the Battery Rocks Belles and Buoys wild swimmers, wild food foraging, Newlyn fishermen and market, rag-rugging, St Michael's Mount, fish and chips, an artisan shepherdess & basket-maker, local singers, the Golowan band and much more....

... including me at 11:55 mins in, for about 1.5 mins, bundled up due to a cold and blepharitis! walking to Portheras Cove with Jake :-) and then back at home with the star - Charley the cat! - helping me with the finishing touches on my skylark felting x 

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