​I hadn’t paid much attention to the Depp-Heard trial, but after reading this article by Charlotte Proudman in 'The Independent', I now do, even though feeling so sick and sad at the spectacle and ‘entertainment’ of it all.
 
Watching an hour of the two testimonies was enough for me to know my response. I felt the truth of Amber Heard’s accounts, knowing myself the sickening predictability/escalation of how Narcissists behave, and then watching Johnny Depp’s performance with his undermining, laughing, disruptions, not taking it seriously… the women-hating, women-killing texts, the drug-filled vitriol & violence… I was astounded when I looked through the responses of support for him – and so many by women.
 
I can’t deny it triggered me into remembering my own experiences. After 8 years of intense inner healing from codependency-narcissistic dynamics, meeting many brave women -and men- along the way, I know the patterns and energies around these, often very subtle, power plays very well.
 
Also the unsubtle, for example when Amber describes being shouted at repeatedly, ‘I F***ing Hate You!’ – I remember being shouted at, right up close to my face, the words spat out, ‘You F***ing C**t, ‘You F***ing C**t’ over and over and over, and fists hitting the wall next to my head. And I stayed. It makes me cry now that I stayed, but being so gaslit, wanting to believe him afterwards when he said he was sorry, and ‘Oh he’s lovely really’ (I Really said and felt this).
 
The continuing abuse towards Amber from entertained onlookers and Depp fans, the discrediting, the bullying, the mocking of her, the professions of ‘l love u even more now Johnny’ by women responding to his testimony - it chills me to the bone. This is playing into exactly what he hoped for with the trial. The power dynamics of narcissistic rage and revenge writ large for the spectacle and drama it is, and all of us – willing observers, and some of us perfect ‘objects’ to play out the game for him.
 
Amber is so utterly brave and strong to be doing this - and facing such continued hate and onslaught from a society that projects so much of its own pain onto ‘stars’, glorifying and then tearing them down, making pariahs of them when they tell the truth, especially when it jars with the manufactured carnival of a dream we all live in.
 
My heart goes out to her and all women who’ve lived through domestic violence.

​After many years something shifts, as the self-love and self-care become real. With dedicated inner work and shifting of traumas, way beyond thinking patterns, you can emerge again and truly feel different, as your reality has changed!. You can forgive yourself and others, releasing fears that have gripped for so many years, blessing others and genuinely wishing them well, which absolutely sets you free - whether you choose to see them again in your life or not.

Perhaps, subconsciously you have been hoping for accountability from someone for their behaviour, and this has kept you hooked in, but you need to know this simply will never happen. Narcissists, those with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) for example, just do not do this, they will never take responsibility or apologise for any of the hurtful behaviour, the lies, manipulation, tantrums, cruelty, gaslighting, ignoring of boundaries or any other dumping of their own pain (that they are not dealing with) onto you. If you’ve broached this with them in the past, and how hurt you’ve been, they will usually turn on you, deny it, get defensive or angry, play the victim or storm off.  

So you need to switch the focus and to self-parent, to give yourself the love and forgiveness that you need so that your health - and life - are not dependent upon what anyone else does or doesn’t do.

It can take decades to reach this point of understanding and if you have young children it is especially wonderful when you do, in order to stay healthy and well for them - your own health and self-care naturally having such a great effect on theirs. The repeating of patterns often stems from childhood, through generations, and if it can stop with you, that’s a huge and significant achievement! You remain unconscious in this destructive dynamic until one day you have to wake up, often for emotional, or physical survival and this point of waking up at last, might be due to a relationship or a marriage which is founded on the same childhood patterns you are still re-enacting 20, 30, 40, 50 years later. 

The patterns often originate in relationships with parents, for example, with a mother who displays typical characteristics of NPD, and who for years may be suffocating, controlling, full of entitlement, rages, unpredictable tantrums and explosions to the point where a child, say a daughter, can be so fearful of her that she hides in her room and prays that she will stay away and leave her alone, her body shaking. Instead, the mother might storm in and shout directly at the child, causing her to want to disappear, to take the beautiful cats and run away. Even with this, as a kind, caring and sensitive child, she will want her mother to be happy, will want to help her feel better, and the daughter internalises the upset and believes it must be all her fault.

In crumbs of moments the mother might be ok and then the daughter will be so relieved, yet will worry about each word she speaks, not wanting to inflame her, and will come to realise that she has no control over this, it's all too confusing and unpredictable. She feels she must be ‘bad’ inside and a bad daughter and becomes hyper-vigilant, sensing the mother’s moods, the constant fearful dramas, and taking on so much of her mother’s pain and rage as well as feeling responsible for her well-being. Living in a house with a whirlwind of hurt and complete emotional confusion affects children deeply and as adults they often naturally perpetuate these patterns by meeting partners who are very similar, again and again and the familiar dynamics continue to play out.

Once, around 12 years old, in a deeply mocking tone, I remember my own mother shouting up the stairs, ‘Who do you think you Are? Ensconced in your room like a Queen... you think you’re too good for the likes of us’. She often told me what I thought, rather than asking – if I told her I really didn’t, and that it was the opposite, she would insist ‘YES you  Do’. There were endless comments like this. I learned to stop replying to these insults as she wouldn’t listen or believe me… that in truth I was scared of her, so unhappy and that I didn’t feel good enough to be around anyone at all, I could blank myself out away from her, immerse myself in books (beloved sanctuaries), be nothing, quiet and at peace.  I just didn’t know how to ‘be’ around her. It was as though it was my responsibility to make her happy, and I’d failed, whilst also feeling very deeply that things were wrong, they felt so cruel and twisted. I often had intense tummy pains too, directly related to this as was constantly anxious, and the guilt and shame were huge, believing that it must be all my fault. I struggled with friendships as a child, had little self-esteem and was fearful of most social situations and interactions. These behaviour patterns continued with boyfriends and a marriage, all so similar. The experiences become a part of you and inform so many future choices and if you’re a sensitive child, they can affect you so much more.

The walking on eggshells lasted all the life at home I can remember, with countless painful incidents and then became especially hard when my brother left for University, with more drama to unfold.  There’s often a quieter, co-dependent spouse in these situations – (often due to parents repeating the patterns they experienced from their own childhood, with their parents) and when growing up my father was mostly emotionally absent and even though ‘there’ was never ‘there’.

I can forgive my mother now for all of her bad behaviour and controlling presence throughout my life - the many situations from my own childhood, the painful and confusing inclusion of me in a new relationship whilst leaving my father, hurtful accusations around circumstances with my grandfather, and also hours after my son was born, turning up at the hospital uninvited, possessive and threatening – an upsetting and unwelcome shock, having no idea she knew and not wanting her to know, alone with my baby son in an open ward with other new mums and having to tell her to leave and at last she did. I forgive her also, for turning up just before Christmas this year, uninvited, unexpected at my home, my safe, warm space that I have with my now 13 year-old son, in doing so letting me know that she knows where I live and that perhaps she’ll turn up another time when she wants to. I comfort and take care of myself now and these triggers pass more quickly and turn into gifts to clear even more trauma and be firm in future boundaries if necessary. These situations teach us to love and care for ourselves even more, strengthening us in situations where we may have felt vulnerable in the past.

It can take a long time to truly know that forgiveness is largely about setting yourself free, from the pain, hurt and resentment, it’s not about the other person/situation/past event. Healing occurs in spiraling stages and when a certain level is reached, the letting go happens, with unconditional love, such a release, for all of those involved; the cage doors open, you step out, fresh air circulates, there is space inside for newness and light, and it’s beautiful - it sounds cliched, but it’s true.  

I feel perhaps these people rely on the fact that you do not feel brave enough to speak out, and it took me years… or they angrily deny everything you say, turning it around and thinking nothing of lying and blaming and projecting onto you, saying perhaps that you are ill, cruel or ungrateful, as they are merely being a loving, kind mother… and in their fantasy – they are, so it is not a lie to them. I’ve found this behaviour has always made me incredibly shaky and have been unable to speak out in case I’m not believed. I’ve experienced this also with my son’s father and my ex-husband. Now, more and more I know that it doesn’t matter so much whether others believe me, these experiences deeply affected me and I can now heal, grow stronger and feel better, irrespective of others’ validation. There are also great gifts and lessons that come from these experiences which I am grateful to my parents and ex-partners for.  

We can also forgive ourselves for longing for others to understand, knowing now that unless you have experienced Narcissistic abuse, you will not know what it is like. Even within families, siblings, who have very different sensibilities are treated very differently, yet subtly so too, and effects on the child differ greatly. As in any relationship/marriage, we all experience upsets, heartaches and break-ups, and I’ve had a couple of ‘normal’ relationships and their happinesses and upsets! but relationships with Narcissists are very, very different  and I’d urge you to look up some of the resources on this in other articles if you want to know more about Narcissism.

The beauty is we can reparent ourselves now, the younger us and the older us and can give unconditional love. We can forgive all of the hurts of the past and let them go, and I truly feel, after 40 years, the fear has only just dissolved. We can also know that we cannot change the situation regarding others, nor should we be trying to, and it’s wrong, and futile, to try to change others. Other people are responsible for how they choose to behave and interact, for what is right for them in their own lives, and we can respect that now, knowing the absolute truth that it is impossible to make someone happy, just as our happiness is  never anyone else’s responsibility!

What we can do now, that we couldn’t as a child, is be true to our values and own way of living, to what matters to us. We can state our own boundaries, and what we will and will not allow or accept in our life. We can honour ourselves now and if this is not acceptable to our parents or anyone else, then that can be so, without fear or guilt. The social conditioning surrounding family ties is so strong that there’s an intense taboo with this, and it can take many years to let go of this ‘longing for things to be different’ and to assert ourselves, and be happy, beyond our ‘role’ of ‘daughter’ or ‘son’ or whomever. It’s also the truth that it takes a great deal for a daughter to feel she cannot see her mother for over 10 years, as the damage has been continually so distressing up to that point. A lot of hurt has had to happen to cause a loving daughter to break ties in this way and say ‘Enough’.

Now, in my own life I no longer accept disrespectful, manipulative, hurtful behaviour or non-reciprocal relationships. When I set a boundary and it’s repeatedly dismissed, then the relationship can fall away. My mother’s banging on my front door in the road and shouting, 10 years ago, ‘I don’t need an appointment to see my own daughter!’, after I’d stated that if we were going to meet it had to be somewhere neutral, contributed to the No Contact ever since. Actually, Yes you do need an ‘appointment’ as you call it. We did not have the type of relationship where I appreciated you just turning up. You were not welcome in that way. How you deal with this is up to you. Either you respect my sincere and reasonable wishes or you do not and the consequences either way will happen. I see now how strong I was all those years ago.

A narcissist cannot tolerate an equal relationship, there has to be power and control involved in some way, without compromise, which they see as ‘weak’, in fact they see compromise as the other person manipulating them. I learnt that also with a Narcissistic husband.

Becoming stronger and more aware means that so many beautiful openings become possible. For many years I feared exploring my own passions, being creative and expressive, using my own voice… and that this developed into creating an art business was astounding! - I never thought I’d ever be able to do this. Creating a website and having a FB business page was full of so many fears at the start, mainly as I knew that my mother would be ‘right there’ always. I nearly didn’t start at all because of this but I am so happy and grateful that I found the strength to do it anyway, much of this new confidence being down to a course taken via The Happy Sensitive. At last I didn’t hide what I love any more, through fear. I’d kept this light and love so close and protected as a child, not wanting her to ‘steal’ or ‘claim’ things that were so close and dear to me… and this light had felt so tiny and almost seemed to disappear at times.... It is still hard and upsetting sometimes today, and I know she 'shares’ every post I write to her own page; I’ve been told this, but instinctively knew it anyway. Perhaps this has been a good thing, as a constant reminder that I CAN carry on irrespective of what she is or isn’t doing, and that might sound like nothing or ‘silly’ to some but it’s a HUGE achievement and liberation to me.

The fact that I feel free now also means I can share articles such as this one and not fear the wrath, or the victimisation stories or, ‘what a cruel daughter I have, but I love her anyway’ - type comments. Such comments have no truth and now they have no power over me either; what is said really doesn’t matter to me anymore. The fear is gone and I wish her well; when the fear goes, love and gratitude are present – not necessarily for reuniting in person but as a general love that exists for all.

I can also forgive myself for all the destructive relationships I’ve had all my life, repeating the patterns of trying to appease angry people, emotionally absent people, trying to ‘make it right, make them truly love me’ this time. All the Narcissistic rages and violence, my son’s alcoholic father, the cruelty and controlling in my marriage. All unconsciously re-enacting patterns that were so familiar to me, stuck in a painful, blind dynamic of trying to give love into a black hole, to people who, so tragically, hated themselves at heart and so couldn’t really love another anyway, despite my trying to get them to see how wonderful they were really…oh my gosh, that naivety makes me shudder now at the physical and emotional danger I put myself in sometimes, with an ex-husband who used to get so angry he ‘could put a knife through someone’s face…don’t you GET IT ROWENA??!!’ he’d shout at me. 

I think of Maya Angelou and her words, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them – the First time’. And when the mask of charm slips, as it will with a Narcissist – run. And feel utterly relieved (you won’t at first) if they discard you suddenly for new Narcissistic supply when they know you’ve seen through their mask at last. In fact, learn to recognise the charm for what it is at the outset – manipulation, they want something you have, which is often your light, goodness and joy…or the kudos if (unlike me!) you’re rich, have material things or a reputation… they like to bask in this and claim it as their own.

I’ve felt a call to write this, partly as an honouring of my own journey and also in the hopes that even if one person comes across it and something written resonates with them, then I hope it helps. I hope the tone comes across in the way I’ve felt it when writing, not of ‘blaming’ anyone, not of making anyone ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but in an honest account of experiences that have affected and shaped me, woken me up and helped me to shift into such a new, healthy understanding.

I know, from my own work and learning in this area that many of these patterns are the same for many people, of all ages, and there are beautiful resources out there and so much love, understanding and support that can truly help you break free from repeating these awful and, it’s not extreme to say, sometimes life-threatening relationships and dynamics. This is such an important achievement for parenting our own children and breaking the generational patterns too x

It’s in the nature of these relationships to get worse, and you will be complicit in repeating the behaviours again and again until you HAVE to wake up … and this often takes decades - it took me until my early forties and a string of upset, violence, self-abandonment, fear and devastation and I know of others much older, it’s never too late - and you might feel you are a worthless shell of a person right now, getting an emotional, psychological and often a physical beating… but this CAN and WILL – and MUST! – CHANGE.

…and only YOU can do it – with loving support.

xx rowena

If I hadn't encountered these and all that unfolded, I would never have been able to express my joy and create, felt or paint, share my work or flourish and thrive!

Over the last few years I've read so many books and articles that have helped me immeasurably, in opening up to awareness and understanding of my own experience on the topics of Narcissism and being Highly Sensitive and an Empath. These have in turn led me to mutually supportive communities and individuals who have been inspirational in the most beautiful ways, and also, ultimately and  fundamentally, to an experiential understanding 'beyond' the book reading. xx

These resources can lead us to other 'resources'... ones that will become 'pointers' towards an awareness that is far deeper than 'gathering information' or of cognitive awareness/understanding; an awareness that lies beyond any labels we may have for ourselves - labels which may be true on the level of how we function in the world, as individual personalities with particular character traits, such as HSP and Introvert, yet these labels are not the Truth of who we essentially are, beyond our 'form' identity. We can forget this when we are so enmeshed in everyday life, or in situations that may be traumatic, and so at these times, gaining an understanding of how we live and function in the world can be helpful and lead us to others who experience similar, which is a beautiful support, as here we can acknowledge our humanness and individuality, and experience self-compassion and healing ...

... and then we can go beyond these aspects of who we are, on the surface, and the ideas we have of ourselves into the greater truth and recognition... with so many thanks, in my case, to nature, poetry, art, Rumi, Buddhism, Mooji, Eckhart Tolle ...and many experiences from a young age which gave me glimpses of this true awareness of who we really are, of our essential consciousness...

Here's a collection of some resources, partly for my own reference but mainly for any others who come across them and find them of interest and perhaps helpful...

If you come across this page and would like to suggest any other books/resources on these topics that you've found helpful, or would like to make any related comments, please do, in the comments below, or email me :)

These categories do intermingle...  

'Empower your life with Gentleness' by Bingz Huang is a wonderful, practical guide on self-compassion and kindness, for HSPs, Empaths and everyone!

Beautiful TED talk!! xx
​'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a world that can't stop talking'

Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön

Advaita teacher/'pointer' - Mooji
Also many wonderful online videos! 

Eckhart Tolle  - and many online videos!

Louise Hay, Robert Holden, Marianne Williamson, Eileen Caddy, Wayne Dyer...

I’ve never really liked labels, but when I heard about HSP, Empaths, and the power within introversion, I felt a singing and a soaring and a happy ‘Yes-ness!’ and ‘at last!’ inside…

Initially, this post was just going to be about, ‘On not being a dumping ground for other people’s issues and crap – Any More! Yes!!’ (even typing the word ‘crap’, for me, is liberating! Even when, sometimes YES! that IS what it is!)  …but the post has changed a bit along the way… If it resonates with you, please do comment :) 

It’s wonderful to know that others’ issues, when energetically projected onto you, unconsciously, and often consciously, too, CAN be returned. They can be returned to sender - dumped into an imaginary rubbish bin that stands beside them, ready for when they are able to deal with them later, themselves. For this, you need to stay centred and strong and observe what is happening – it can take quite a bit of practising, but it works. You can also release any energies from your body, feeling them, their colour and shape, texture…and move them out, flowing down and through to the earth where they can be organically composted and transformed into good…. There are many self-compassionate ways to help the body release the physical aches and intense pains that these energies and emotions can create.

There are situations you might come across every day… at home, at work, even brief exchanges that can knock you out, zap your energy in a moment, leaving you drained, confused and upset and perhaps unsure why… ‘energy vampires’ is a term often used and it is so fitting. There comes a time when you also Have to extricate yourself from others’ issues that have had a long-term grip, (you realise the issues are still holding on to you because you are complicit, in some way) and also the time comes to let go of others’ limiting opinions and beliefs about you, and stay true to your own vision. You have to release the associated emotions and feelings from deep inside your body, too, and then you find quite often that these were Never your own feelings anyway, but they took up home and over the years you identified with them and they kept you hiding and fearful; the lack of self-esteem, the feelings of ‘being bad’ – they belonged to the Other Person – but you took them on, took all sorts on from others, from a very young age – struggling and feeling split, with guilt, shame and responsibility for their load.

As an adult, things have to stop being all about other people; it’s a time to take responsibility for your own feelings, not others’, and to find out who you really are, to stop abandoning your own looking and to come home to your own self and recognise the happiness that is there – it’s not conditional on others and how they are with you. Then you can release the past so that it is not also your present experience. You can honour and forgive in order to free yourself (and others) and then you are no longer a ‘match’ to be triggered by them – something in their behaviour is no longer highlighting a lack or a pain that you used to feel – (yet the Return to Sender technique still comes in very handy in the moment at times!!). After a while you can develop a very good ‘Narcissist radar’ too, as long as you trust your intuition, your body will always alert you to all the warning signs and red flags – you feel it very quickly on encountering someone like this and so can then focus, or leave, or use a ‘grey rock technique’ and feel stronger, less attached, less vulnerable. You can also, much later, perhaps years later, wish them well ...this is easier with casual exchanges but much much harder with deep hurts from childhood and personal relationships...but this too may come. We realise too that our essence never suffers or is hurt.

To me, it has been so important and helpful to recognise again and again, (as I felt deeply when so little), that at essence we are ‘simply’ (but simply meaning So much!) life force/ energy/ a spark of consciousness/ Being-ness – and ALL of us are that! We are all the same infinite essence, all one life source on this planet – it is so uniting-ly clear! to me, (but may seem 'woo woo' to others?!)…. and as humans, in our lifetimes, we are also uniquely different expressions of this essence, just as waves on the sea are different from each other, but all the same sea, all the water; we are different ‘human expressions’ of the same thing.  It is only when this is forgotten, through growing up with societal conditioning, family conditioning, ego ideas of who we think we are, etc etc that our different expressions become so divisive and separating; it is only when we get further and further away from remembering our essential selves, believing we are ONLY our ‘different types of expression’, our bodies, our ego ideas - that we experience anguish, breakdown, hostilities, war in the name of religion and politics, aggression, disorders….and situations of power, control, violence and manipulation in everyday relationships.... and ego energies forcing themselves onto others, knowingly or unknowingly.  If only we could remember who we essentially are, and also, so wonderfully, accept ourselves for our human differences ALONGSIDE knowing our essential One-ness. Imagine the ludicrousness of waves on the sea having a sense of ego, or jostling to claim superiority as the ‘right’ wave or the ’best’ wave…. and all return anyway and melt into the ocean from which they came and of which they were always constituted...just as our life-force energy.

Back to the human uniqueness and our individual expressions …! I’ve never really liked labels but when I heard about HSP, Empaths, and the power within introversion, I felt a singing and a soaring and a happy ‘Yes-ness!’ and ‘at last!’ inside – this certainly feels to be my expressive ‘type’ as a being in the world 😊 – (whilst knowing that the essence of all of us has no ‘type’ at all, it just ‘is’ life-energy).

Sensitivity is a strength and a gift and I am reminded of this every day – with the ability to feel deeply, with intuition and heightened senses, compassion, thoughtfulness, attention to detail, dedication, empathy, wholeheartedness, gentleness, the ability to see all colours - beyond the black and white in situations … yet so often HSPs can be taken advantage of, treated terribly, abused -  as a consequence of having these beautiful traits, by others who are so far removed from who they really are they cannot experience these feelings but instead are full of entitlement, anger, grandiosity, superficial ‘masks’; they are controlling, manipulative, bullying, and void of empathy - yet often initially charming, flattering and ingratiating and very good at playing the victim. Every single one I have ever met has been destructively ‘agonising and tortured’ inside, in a constant struggle of identity – and this IS sad and was the hook that kept me stuck as I could empathise with this - yet what you realise, with an absolute shock, is that theirs is a manipulative game - there is no 'depth' at all, it is not 'real'... And they have no desire to change anyway, it is always everyone else in the wrong, everyone else, the f***ing idiots, causing them this trouble and when you do care, and empathise with them, giving so much love into a black hole, (and it is never enough) you will ultimately be treated terribly ...and despised too.

I’ve met many HSP friends over the last few years, whilst exploring, learning and recognising the strength of sensitivity,  coming out of difficult times, gaining courage… and also whilst starting to create my art business and I am so very very thankful to them all.  

There is a definite connection between being HSP and my style of felting, the poetry I love, intuitive painting, spirituality and also the way I approach my business… and I’m hoping to explore this further as I learn and experience more.

When starting, the name Rowena Scotney Feltings chose itself – and the association and pun was present, but I truly didn’t realise it! - with being deeply felt, meaningful and an authentic expression, and it has become more and more apparent to me. My personal name isn’t really important to me, but the ‘Feltings’ is, because it is through this form of expression, in my case, that joy and colour and love of life can be expressed. It’s a way of celebrating and being so grateful that I am alive as this life energy – my work is a kind of honouring of this. And it doesn’t have to be ‘good’ – but I’m so happy that others enjoy it too and that it communicates something to them x

The exploring of this, and feeling brave and more visible creatively, only happened after many years of recovering – and then thriving! - from life patterns that kept me stuck again and again that were so destructive and upsetting, with narcissists, bullies, alcoholics and abusers.

…Also, to go back to the beginning of the post, what’s great is that there comes a time when the projected energy from others doesn’t even need to be returned to them, as you see it, blowing around them, like loose windy threads, reaching, but not coming close – you can witness, acknowledge the other’s personal issues, know that it is not who they really are anyway, and remember it is not your job to be entangled in them, or to try to heal them – this isn’t kind to yourself or the other person in the long run (and of course, you can NEVER ‘heal’ them).  But, most significantly you don’t feel guilt, shame, or that you have 'failed' somehow for that any more. Hallelujah!!! (So many women in patterns of co-dependent – narcissistic relationships NEVER escape this abusive nightmare and it is heart-breaking; they become hollow shells and shadows of who they beautifully are.)

I’m still trying to find ways to be able to articulate this more clearly and am hoping to combine all of these issues somehow in the future, perhaps to help and encourage others, too, and together to share resources and ideas? – issues of thriving after narcissistic abuse, finding your joy (that is always, always still there, your essence!), setting healthy boundaries full of self-respect, being HSP and an Empath, Introversion and creating a business, being a mum, a single-parent... art, poetry, healing, spirituality... 

….hmmm it will all unfold in its own time, little by little maybe, and gently…I can just feel it 😊

 
*** See also, for starters:

The Happy Sensitive  - Empathy, Narcissism and HSPs – and much more invaluable info!

Melanie Tonia Evans - and excellent 16 min video 'How to Heal the Wounds from Narcissistic Mothers'.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery expert - a mass of free videos and articles

Melanie Tonia Evans - Wonderful 30 minute interview with Christiane Northrup - Empath's Guide to Healing
                                         - On so much! regarding narcissism, being an empath and healing... x
​
Melanie Tonia Evans - Such an important article - 'Parents empowering themselves for their children's sake'

My blogpost on Narcissism and Codependency

'Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' by Karyl MacBride - You are NOT your mother's NPD burdens, even if, as a loving and sensitive child you wholly took them on, setting up patterns for the future... this is not about blame or guilt, but about taking personal responsibility to understand, make sense, clean up the inner wounds and create a healthy, happy life and also, crucially, to break the generational patterns, so that we do not keep these wounds going, inflicting them onto our own children.
​
The Wellspring of Compassion by Sonia Connolly - beautiful book for trauma of all intensities - and with lots of helpful techniques - including asking, 'What if this energy isn't mine?' - if it isn't, you feel instantly lighter :) 

...also many many other wonderful books and resources that I could recommend! 
​

Two years ago, in a very dark place, I started a course, after weeks of researching and reading many books and articles and ultimately finding out more about Narcissism, and not the everyday ‘oh they love themselves’ breezy definition but full-blown NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), an illness which has shattering effects on others - it is insidious, destructive, suffocating, controlling and manipulative. Throughout my research, things started to fit together, so much resonated with my own experiences - then I came across these articles and videos… and soon after, I signed up to ‘The No to Narcissist Programme for HSPs’.
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This was not a course which focused on the Narcissist, a blessed relief after so many years, or which looked at ‘blaming’, but on liberating myself from a lifetime of (mostly) unconscious patterns and in understanding how these entrenched patterns of my own behaviour meant - and there was struggle with this at first - I had to recognise my own responsibility in the types of personal relationship I’d had as an adult. Most importantly, with growing knowledge and understanding, things slotted into place, made sense; I woke up and felt the strength I had, in that I had the capacity to change this, and so started the intense inner work and stopped participating in the nightmarish ‘key and lock’ dance. Rather than trying to heal/ sacrifice yourself to the Narcissist (impossible black hole) you can heal yourself.

Patterns of codependency, in the form of wanting to please, fix, help, care for, show infinite compassion for, along with having a gentle and sensitive nature, can attract/draw us towards those intensely needy of attention and care, to those who lack empathy, who can never get enough, who are takers, ‘you’ are never enough, to those who can be demanding, controlling, easily enraged, with a sense of entitlement... Over years, for the codependent, this leads to a debilitating lack of self-compassion, self-respect, self-care, feelings of inadequacy, never being ‘good enough’ and feeling completely disassociated from who you are – even your emotions are not your own; you are, in effect, written by the other and then erased, repeatedly. ‘Love’ is utterly conditional on pleasing them.

The patterns reach back to childhood and a subtle, often unconscious 'training' by the parent. A certain level of influence happens with all parenting to some extent, of course, but with a narcissistic parent who allows for no boundaries between them and you (you are, in their world, an extension of themselves, a little like an ‘object’ they own) it can take such a damaging/all-embracing form that patterns can be set up for a life-time. Many who have grown up with this will go on to have relationships with narcissists, who have similar behavioural traits to the parent, thereby continuing the abusive dynamic with which they are so familiar.

This often means the caring, giving partner easily dismisses the abuse (oh, they’re wonderful really, they don’t mean it, if only you really knew them like I do, it’s my job to ensure they are happy, it was my fault, they need me’ etc etc) taking on board and internalising, over and over again, the subtle insults (which grow less and less subtle over time), the dishonestly, hurtfulness, blatant lying, rage attacks, shaming, blaming, dumping of their own black crap onto you, violence, tantrums, gas-lighting, disrespect of any boundaries, projection and telling you ‘you’re ill’, stonewalling, use of ‘double-binds’ (conflicting messages creating a ‘no win’ situation, causing confusion and anxiety), using children as emotional pawns and crutches, claiming their alcoholism, addictions, issues, their rage etc etc as ‘Your’ fault…and ‘Can’t you Fucking SEE that!!!!??’ and this can lead to the response, ‘Oh I’m so sorry that I’ve upset you, I’ll make amends… I know you love me really... you do...don’t you?’, on the floor, desperately searching for crumbs of affection.

Quite often the ‘charm’ – a manipulative tool – and show of adoration in the beginning sweeps you off your feet and is as false as the tears they shed when they sob ‘no-one understands me’ which makes you feel empathy and sympathise… and keeps you stuck….and so the dance continues… Others wonder why you don’t leave, change, but you are blinded by this limited lens, cut off, manipulated so well in this painful drama, which often isn’t seen on the outside by others, and is so hard to explain.

And not only that, but there’s the quashing and sometimes ridiculing of your natural light, your beauty, warmth, joy, positivity, empathy for others, curiosity, creativity and love as ‘idiotic’, ‘wrong’ and not important, or it can be ‘claimed’ by the other, so that it is not, and never was, your own (they just cannot seem to experience these things for themselves) to the point where you curl up and your light is hidden, unconsciously, and at times consciously, for gentle protection, nurtured, just a tiny free glimmer in its own space, behind years of layers of coping, traumatic experiences and events.

My relationships were like this and it finally took an abusive marriage to wake me up, for which, in the most heart-wrenching, painful, difficult – but understandable way now – I am hugely grateful…however strange that might sound.

I love this quote from the poet Mary Oliver:

‘Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.’
 
This isn’t to condone abuse, ever, but over the last few years, looking into this darkness has helped to shed so much light and has subsequently guided me so beautifully well in my life. I’ve learnt so much, felt so much, met many inspirational people and deeply cherished friends, and have spent time on practices brimming full of self-compassion and self-respect, focusing on love and consciousness, a celebration and unfolding of life, exploring, experimenting, letting go of old limiting beliefs and patterns, establishing new joyous, life-affirming healthy ones and becoming a positive and loving role-model for my son …and so ending the generational legacy of such abusive relationships.
 
The 6 month course, ‘No to Narcissists’ by Caroline Van Kimmenade from The Happy Sensitive appeared, as a gift from grace at exactly the right time and I was hungry and ready for it. I couldn’t believe the perfect timing. And it was a delicious, nutritious, at times necessarily extremely chewy, bitter, sweet and sour, nutty :-), juicy, satisfying, comforting, reassuring, inspiring, surprising, energy restoring - and giving - packed full of wisdom and variety …healthy bar! (If it were a bar :-) I’m surprised at how that analogy began!) And not a snack (although you could focus on little pieces) but a full-to-bursting menu of the most wonderful restorative and insightful information, practices, processes and support that you can imagine.

It changed my life …and, more than anything, the Narcissism issue is secondary for me now, as the course opened up a million more important and fascinating things, on getting to know myself, building confidence, loving my sensitivity for the strength it is, working with vulnerability, Boundaries!! Boundaries, little and big!!  (beautiful and wonderful and full of self-knowledge, self-compassion and respect), meeting wonderful friends from around the world, sharing, listening, speaking, learning… and now I also have a healthy Narcissist radar and can choose interactions from a wiser place.

Also, being introduced to many other thinkers, writers, practitioners has been invaluable – the course is thorough and intense and so much is generously shared that it becomes a springboard for other discoveries too. There are many articles, audios and videos that I still listen to regularly and I love that I have the course materials and access forever, as I enjoy returning to parts and reassessing, ever-learning and there is always relevance to different aspects in my life.

Due to this course, the wonderful support and the changes that occurred within me, I was also able to establish my new creative art business ‘Rowena Scotney Feltings’ which is going from strength to strength and which I could never have done before. At the time it was terrifying, being seen, coming out of hiding, putting my work ‘out there’ but now it is the source of so much pleasure and achievement, a space where I celebrate joy, colour, poetry, nature and life.

Whilst taking the course I wrote copious notes and 100s of desktop post-its, responses, thoughts, ideas, and it was fascinating to revisit these both throughout the duration of the course and over the last few years. I could clearly see how I’d changed, so very much, with growth and new understanding …and I gently care a great deal for the ‘me’ who wrote the first ones :-)

When Caroline Van Kimmenade asked if I’d like my artwork to illustrate a ‘Monthly Calendar and Notes’ booklet to accompany the course, for insights, mood tracking and reminders, I was overjoyed, thankful and honoured. I'm so happy to be associated with this programme, for the journey, the knowledge, the experiential learning and fundamentally for what it stands for, for me: a positive life force celebration, a refusal to be quashed, a wise-ing up and an honouring of the gift of sensitivity for the strength it is - all qualities that I celebrate in my life and creative work and will be exploring further and sharing in the future, with new projects and ideas.

If anything resonates with you here, I'd love to hear... and please do check out The Happy Sensitive for a wealth of wonderful resources.

…And here it is!

Thank you to The Happy Sensitive so amazingly much xx

Ps. I'm happy this post is going out on May Day  - here's to the Spring and the Summer :-) ​
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