Two years ago, in a very dark place, I started a course, after weeks of researching and reading many books and articles and ultimately finding out more about Narcissism, and not the everyday ‘oh they love themselves’ breezy definition but full-blown NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), an illness which has shattering effects on others - it is insidious, destructive, suffocating, controlling and manipulative. Throughout my research, things started to fit together, so much resonated with my own experiences - then I came across these articles and videos… and soon after, I signed up to ‘The No to Narcissist Programme for HSPs’.
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This was not a course which focused on the Narcissist, a blessed relief after so many years, or which looked at ‘blaming’, but on liberating myself from a lifetime of (mostly) unconscious patterns and in understanding how these entrenched patterns of my own behaviour meant - and there was struggle with this at first - I had to recognise my own responsibility in the types of personal relationship I’d had as an adult. Most importantly, with growing knowledge and understanding, things slotted into place, made sense; I woke up and felt the strength I had, in that I had the capacity to change this, and so started the intense inner work and stopped participating in the nightmarish ‘key and lock’ dance. Rather than trying to heal/ sacrifice yourself to the Narcissist (impossible black hole) you can heal yourself.

Patterns of codependency, in the form of wanting to please, fix, help, care for, show infinite compassion for, along with having a gentle and sensitive nature, can attract/draw us towards those intensely needy of attention and care, to those who lack empathy, who can never get enough, who are takers, ‘you’ are never enough, to those who can be demanding, controlling, easily enraged, with a sense of entitlement... Over years, for the codependent, this leads to a debilitating lack of self-compassion, self-respect, self-care, feelings of inadequacy, never being ‘good enough’ and feeling completely disassociated from who you are – even your emotions are not your own; you are, in effect, written by the other and then erased, repeatedly. ‘Love’ is utterly conditional on pleasing them.

The patterns reach back to childhood and a subtle, often unconscious 'training' by the parent. A certain level of influence happens with all parenting to some extent, of course, but with a narcissistic parent who allows for no boundaries between them and you (you are, in their world, an extension of themselves, a little like an ‘object’ they own) it can take such a damaging/all-embracing form that patterns can be set up for a life-time. Many who have grown up with this will go on to have relationships with narcissists, who have similar behavioural traits to the parent, thereby continuing the abusive dynamic with which they are so familiar.

This often means the caring, giving partner easily dismisses the abuse (oh, they’re wonderful really, they don’t mean it, if only you really knew them like I do, it’s my job to ensure they are happy, it was my fault, they need me’ etc etc) taking on board and internalising, over and over again, the subtle insults (which grow less and less subtle over time), the dishonestly, hurtfulness, blatant lying, rage attacks, shaming, blaming, dumping of their own black crap onto you, violence, tantrums, gas-lighting, disrespect of any boundaries, projection and telling you ‘you’re ill’, stonewalling, use of ‘double-binds’ (conflicting messages creating a ‘no win’ situation, causing confusion and anxiety), using children as emotional pawns and crutches, claiming their alcoholism, addictions, issues, their rage etc etc as ‘Your’ fault…and ‘Can’t you Fucking SEE that!!!!??’ and this can lead to the response, ‘Oh I’m so sorry that I’ve upset you, I’ll make amends… I know you love me really... you do...don’t you?’, on the floor, desperately searching for crumbs of affection.

Quite often the ‘charm’ – a manipulative tool – and show of adoration in the beginning sweeps you off your feet and is as false as the tears they shed when they sob ‘no-one understands me’ which makes you feel empathy and sympathise… and keeps you stuck….and so the dance continues… Others wonder why you don’t leave, change, but you are blinded by this limited lens, cut off, manipulated so well in this painful drama, which often isn’t seen on the outside by others, and is so hard to explain.

And not only that, but there’s the quashing and sometimes ridiculing of your natural light, your beauty, warmth, joy, positivity, empathy for others, curiosity, creativity and love as ‘idiotic’, ‘wrong’ and not important, or it can be ‘claimed’ by the other, so that it is not, and never was, your own (they just cannot seem to experience these things for themselves) to the point where you curl up and your light is hidden, unconsciously, and at times consciously, for gentle protection, nurtured, just a tiny free glimmer in its own space, behind years of layers of coping, traumatic experiences and events.

My relationships were like this and it finally took an abusive marriage to wake me up, for which, in the most heart-wrenching, painful, difficult – but understandable way now – I am hugely grateful…however strange that might sound.

I love this quote from the poet Mary Oliver:

‘Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.’
 
This isn’t to condone abuse, ever, but over the last few years, looking into this darkness has helped to shed so much light and has subsequently guided me so beautifully well in my life. I’ve learnt so much, felt so much, met many inspirational people and deeply cherished friends, and have spent time on practices brimming full of self-compassion and self-respect, focusing on love and consciousness, a celebration and unfolding of life, exploring, experimenting, letting go of old limiting beliefs and patterns, establishing new joyous, life-affirming healthy ones and becoming a positive and loving role-model for my son …and so ending the generational legacy of such abusive relationships.
 
The 6 month course, ‘No to Narcissists’ by Caroline Van Kimmenade from The Happy Sensitive appeared, as a gift from grace at exactly the right time and I was hungry and ready for it. I couldn’t believe the perfect timing. And it was a delicious, nutritious, at times necessarily extremely chewy, bitter, sweet and sour, nutty :-), juicy, satisfying, comforting, reassuring, inspiring, surprising, energy restoring - and giving - packed full of wisdom and variety …healthy bar! (If it were a bar :-) I’m surprised at how that analogy began!) And not a snack (although you could focus on little pieces) but a full-to-bursting menu of the most wonderful restorative and insightful information, practices, processes and support that you can imagine.

It changed my life …and, more than anything, the Narcissism issue is secondary for me now, as the course opened up a million more important and fascinating things, on getting to know myself, building confidence, loving my sensitivity for the strength it is, working with vulnerability, Boundaries!! Boundaries, little and big!!  (beautiful and wonderful and full of self-knowledge, self-compassion and respect), meeting wonderful friends from around the world, sharing, listening, speaking, learning… and now I also have a healthy Narcissist radar and can choose interactions from a wiser place.

Also, being introduced to many other thinkers, writers, practitioners has been invaluable – the course is thorough and intense and so much is generously shared that it becomes a springboard for other discoveries too. There are many articles, audios and videos that I still listen to regularly and I love that I have the course materials and access forever, as I enjoy returning to parts and reassessing, ever-learning and there is always relevance to different aspects in my life.

Due to this course, the wonderful support and the changes that occurred within me, I was also able to establish my new creative art business ‘Rowena Scotney Feltings’ which is going from strength to strength and which I could never have done before. At the time it was terrifying, being seen, coming out of hiding, putting my work ‘out there’ but now it is the source of so much pleasure and achievement, a space where I celebrate joy, colour, poetry, nature and life.

Whilst taking the course I wrote copious notes and 100s of desktop post-its, responses, thoughts, ideas, and it was fascinating to revisit these both throughout the duration of the course and over the last few years. I could clearly see how I’d changed, so very much, with growth and new understanding …and I gently care a great deal for the ‘me’ who wrote the first ones :-)

When Caroline Van Kimmenade asked if I’d like my artwork to illustrate a ‘Monthly Calendar and Notes’ booklet to accompany the course, for insights, mood tracking and reminders, I was overjoyed, thankful and honoured. I'm so happy to be associated with this programme, for the journey, the knowledge, the experiential learning and fundamentally for what it stands for, for me: a positive life force celebration, a refusal to be quashed, a wise-ing up and an honouring of the gift of sensitivity for the strength it is - all qualities that I celebrate in my life and creative work and will be exploring further and sharing in the future, with new projects and ideas.

If anything resonates with you here, I'd love to hear... and please do check out The Happy Sensitive for a wealth of wonderful resources.

…And here it is!

Thank you to The Happy Sensitive so amazingly much xx

Ps. I'm happy this post is going out on May Day  - here's to the Spring and the Summer :-) ​
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I applied to become part of the 'Made in Cornwall' scheme in order to let customers know that trading standards have been met and surpassed regarding the Cornish authenticity of my work. All my work is created here, inspired, almost always, by local landscapes, nature and wildlife and often by Cornish poets too. I also aim to use as much fleece from the beautiful local sheep  as I can - a truly Cornish celebration :-) Good for my - increasingly international! -  friends to know and also the many tourists who love visiting this beautiful county.

I'm also hoping to network with other small Cornish businesses and to share and learn from them as much as I can in this growing, step by step business adventure!

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'Cornwall is renowned for being a special place, rich in heritage and outstanding natural beauty.  It is home to a vibrant business community producing an extensive range of artistic and hand crafted items, specialty food and drink, through to highly specialist technical products, and has built a reputation for quality and excellence. The Made in Cornwall scheme showcases the best of Cornish-made products.' 

                                                                                     from the Made in Cornwall scheme website

It was wonderful to meet Italian filmmaker Sara Pozzoli and her husband Anthony just before the New Year, on a bright, beautiful sunny day in far west Cornwall.
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Sara had seen my exhibition in the Summer and asked if I'd like to feature in a film she's making about Penzance and the surrounding area, for Italian National TV. I would have a 5 mins or so slot with other local artists, writers, bakers and more ...

My initial response, with my usual fears and natural urge to hide, was 'arrgg No', mixed with a huge sense of gratitude that Sara had thought of me when planning her film...and also an excited curiosity! I had also been nervous about the Archie Brown's exhibition, (especially the private view!) but it did really well, I sold many pieces and received great feedback...so it's amazing how things can unfold when we don't allow fears and older patterns to dictate what we do... when, deeply we know it's right for us.

My new art business journey has been a series of challenges, new learnings, wonderful meetings, late night thinking, planning and brainstorming new ideas/possibilities ...and also a being open to the beautiful, unexpected, surprising and joyous unfoldings!
...and I could never have planned or brainstormed for this one :-)

Just a few stills of the morning...x

Please click the Twitter post below to see my latest newsletter  - and maybe ...subscribe for a discount :)

Thank you thank you immeasurably Leonard Cohen, I hardly know where to begin, for the light and profound grace, the poetry and music ... the humour too... for the spaces and tones and nuances between the light and dark, their beauty, shapes, playfulness, seriousness, literariness, colour, sparks and excitingly warm possibilities...the spaces I love...  and for helping me for almost 30 years and however many more...

 You are so very present always

To more gentleness and poetry in the world. 

Gentle this soul

'Ahh the crickets are singing
The Vesper bells ringing
​The cat's curled asleep in his chair...

...

She said, "I'll be with you
My shawl wrapped around you
My hand on your head when you go"
And the night comes on
And it's very calm...'


Goodnight Leonard Cohen x
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​Leonard Cohen's timeless wisdom on democracy and its redemptions - article by Maria Popova




And...
Pico Iyer on What Leonard Cohen Teaches Us about Presence and the Art of Stillness​

...And on poetry, designing a building...a country and Dylan's 'fading into the parade'. Oh, I love this 10min interview - such beautiful, authentic, aware, wonderful & creative responses...the questions appear to try to label him or box him in, but they stand no chance ...

​'The Guests' with photos by Henri Cartier Bresson...so beautiful
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Also... another wonderful Leonard interview x

Such a little thing for some but a big thing for me and a sign to myself that I'm taking developing my business seriously ...

At last I have purchased my own domain name to have a more professional website

www.rowenascotney.com 

(glad it was still available :-))

For over two years I've tiptoed around doing this  - a mixture of uncertainty, lacking confidence, not fully committing...but now I am! 
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A big Thank you to all who have signed up!! It helped spur me on with navigating Mailchimp and getting started... :-) 

Future monthly newsletters will hopefully have exclusive content, felting videos (yes, i am determined to master the time-lapse video!) and freebies now and then....

..and I'd love to hear from you about anything you might like to know about felting, exhibitions.....the creative process... and I'd love to learn from you and any other fellow felters :-) 

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Just a short post about the joys of the little distractions that can help you to get back on track with tasks that are less than enjoyable!

I discovered this simple doodle maker a while ago http://draw.to and have found that if I'm working on an issue that I struggle with, I can take a 3-5 min break, create a splash of colour - either abstract patterns or something more representational (!) and feel re-charged!

The 'Spider and bird with the cobweb sky' was doodled in the midst of very dull workings out for tax and HMRC purposes...I then managed to get back to the number crunching and finished the arduous task :-) Much happier with the creative intermission!!
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It might be interesting/revealing to unravel the symbolism here too! 

I find focusing on something else, even such a little intuitive doodle can help so much with 'freeing and relaxing' which then enables far better working and understanding of the original task. As a teacher I'd always encourage a little doodle-time for the students who would definitely benefit, however, sadly, this isn't encouraged and I'm sure would be frowned upon by Ofsted/other teachers when written into a formal lesson plan... hmmm...i never thought to add it when I was observed,.. I should have!
...it works and is wonderful.

A beautiful sunny Saturday for ​visiting artists' Open Studios - with my son and two borrowed, joyous, energetic dogs! and had a funny, mixed day... with wonderful, inspiring art...

I've been going to the Open Studios for quite a few years, all around Cornwall, and have always loved the diversity of the artists and their work, seeing their processes, working spaces, chatting sometimes -  it's all a privilege and fascinating... and dreaming of maybe taking part one year. Whilst walking around, I was struck again at how such a deep and painful lack of confidence has led me to disregard so much that I've done over the years - including painting, drawing, ceramics, writing, qualifications, teaching, successes...(socialising and speaking were incredibly hard too)... and to feel such a sense of awe for others.

Over the last two years I've started to show some of my feltings, which was  terrifying at first– but alongside other leaps in new, personal understanding, little by little it became easier and the self-admonishment of ‘daring to speak’/having a voice at all has become less and less. At (college) work last week, I thought about how I often dismiss what I do when I say to others, ‘Oh it’s nothing really, just some feltings, some ideas...’, when people ask and especially around ‘real’ artists (as I’ve always thought them, and they are, of course!).

Why do I (still) do this? I am belittling something I care deeply about – my work that is starting to develop and do so well, giving pleasure to others, too, is not 'nothing, really'. My joy is also in the process and in expressing myself with poetry that I’ve always loved and how this has been a continued light for me through some dark times. It needs nurturing, encouragement, belief, respect, kindness and continued curiosity towards new avenues and openings to let it flow and unfold – always a celebration! - and funnily it happens in a space where 'I', the 'conditioned' Rowena am not ... liberating! :-). I feel small and sad when I speak negatively about it, it's like a betrayal, and a shifting of the critical voices from myself to my work, a side-swipe back to me, as ultimately the work just 'is' and happy in itself!  I decided last week that I would not speak negatively about it anymore, but I found today, just days later, that the old instant response jumped in again when an artist was complimentary towards my work.

I have so many ideas to explore and these curl away, grey, unhappy, when I put them down. I felt so sad this afternoon, listening to myself when speaking dismissively...but am aware and so no more! 

And the beautiful dogs...after a few studios and pulling back and fluster - poor Plum and Milo! - they had lots of hugs, tickles and pinecones :-) and then they ran free and happy across the open fields, no constraint, just endless bounding and discovering! Wonderful teachers!

I was wondering whether this resonates with you at all and also, perhaps, how you've learned to overcome it, or work alongside it?...maybe using these feelings and transforming them into a new strength in your work, art, career... life! Please do leave any comments :-) 

I also thought about a recent Radio 4 series and this (really entertaining) episode in particular - Oliver Burkeman on feeling a fraud and how this can constrict you - amongst other things!

​... I also thought about 'The Opening of the Field' - a collection of poetry by Robert Duncan ...and the first poem:


Often I Am Permitted to Return to a Meadow

as if it were a scene made-up by the mind,   
that is not mine, but is a made place,

that is mine, it is so near to the heart,   
an eternal pasture folded in all thought   
so that there is a hall therein

that is a made place, created by light   
wherefrom the shadows that are forms fall.

Wherefrom fall all architectures I am
I say are likenesses of the First Beloved   
whose flowers are flames lit to the Lady.

She it is Queen Under The Hill
whose hosts are a disturbance of words within words   
that is a field folded.

It is only a dream of the grass blowing   
east against the source of the sun
in an hour before the sun’s going down

whose secret we see in a children’s game   
of ring a round of roses told.

Often I am permitted to return to a meadow   
as if it were a given property of the mind   
that certain bounds hold against chaos,

that is a place of first permission,   
everlasting omen of what is.


Robert Duncan, “Often I Am Permitted to Return to a Meadow” from The Opening of the Field. Copyright © 1960 by Robert Duncan. 
Source: Selected Poems (New Directions Publishing Corporation, 1993)

I'm so happy to have been sent some wool from my wonderful friend Allyson in New Zealand, whose friend Cilla lives in Waihi Gorge, a beautiful and scenic area by the river and a waterfall ...it sounds idyllic…and perfect for her sheep too!

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Cilla explained a little about the breed - 'Arapawa wool comes from sheep that originated from Arapawa Island in Marlborough Sounds since 130 years ago. Lean, light-boned, alert, bright eyes; they are active sheep and have survived hostile terrain and situations. They are resistant to lots of illnesses such as fly strike and are very good mothers naturally.

You will notice the different texture of the wool as you felt it – the brown is very soft and easy to felt, the grey wool has an elasticity and stretch in it that is completely different from the brown wool.’
 
Thank you so much Allyson and Cilla - and Fernando, Lola and Luna! What beautiful sheep and I can't wait to get felting :-) xxxxx

I really should be doing some felting on my day off work but suddenly remembered a Leonard Cohen interview I saw on YouTube over a year ago... so will listen, look and felt too :-) Also still trying to become a little more savvy with linking via Twitter/FB and website...

There's a moment in Part 1, 2 or 3 where he sees a squirrel in a tree through the window behind the interviewer. The memory of that moment stayed with me from when I first watched :-) 

Throughout March I have a few pieces in a small exhibition at Morvah Schoolhouse - a beautiful gallery surrounded by awe-inspiring coastal walks and wildlife. I volunteer at the gallery, helping with social media and exhibitions ...and in the cafe at weekends. Each month there is a new featured artist 'On the Wall' downstairs in the cafe - amongst wonderful and unique art and craft items for sale.

....The Sparrow has now SOLD :-)

Currently in The Blue Bramble Gallery, St Ives
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 Inspired by the poem from R.S.Thomas

The Cat and the Sea​
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It is a matter of a black cat 
On a bare cliff top in March 
Whose eyes anticipate 
The gorse petals; 

The formal equation of 
A domestic purr 
With the cold interiors 
Of the sea's mirror.

Even though I thought of this poem at the time, the felting was of a Summer scene (and featured my Silver cat) and so i made a note, that I need to return in March and try to capture the formal equation :-) ... featuring Archy, a beloved black cat ...