​Creating a felting inspired by a poem by Nessie Dunsmuir has been a process full of developing greater understanding and inspiration.

W.S.Graham is a fascinating poet, writing profound and exciting poetry and letters and his partner, Nessie Dunsmuir has a presence that is woven lovingly throughout his life and work. I’ve wondered about her, a quiet, supporting strength to WSG and resolved to find out a little more about her, in her own words.

I’d discovered that a slim volume of her poetry had been published, but couldn’t find a copy until I thought of The Hypatia Trust  which collects, and makes available, published and personal documentation about the achievements of women in every aspect of their lives. I contacted them in Penzance, Cornwall and they have a copy in their poetry collection! housed in the beautiful Victorian mansion that is Morrab Library.
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It was emotional and sensitive and I felt like I was meeting her at last, Nessie in her own words. 
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​Reading the poem 'By the Window' created such strong visuals for me and I just had to create a felting!
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By the Window
by Nessie Dunsmuir
 
Here by the window blackthorn and elder tree
sharpen my sight to love. The shadows of
small birds descend and raise,
clearer than print on page,
deeply forgotten colours of my stumbling days.
 
The Easter fields of children turn again
the legend’s wheel. The painted eggs begin
to roll our death away.
In the cold April day
each child is blessed and lies with Spring within.
 
Here by my head blackbird and beaded tree
borrow me back from Easter’s cross and kiss.
Bracken fronds hand me light.
My own beginning eyes
load at the sill the buds breaking to white.
 
                                                                          (1945)

I love the themes of newness, beginning, Spring, peace, love, light, reminiscence, looking onto a brighter, more hopeful world -individually to universally and the cycle of life…
I loved the imagery of Easter, children, painted eggs, a cold April day, a blackthorn, buds and flowering, the elder tree, the flying birds in the scene falling and rising and the image of the printed page…their shadows, marks and meaning… and the blackbird had to be Nessie, a female blackbird, looking out, observing….

Finding out more about the symbolism of the elder and blackthorn was fascinating, too, I’ve always known these twisted, gnarled branches as witchery fingers and that they are associated with the dark side of the year and quite sinister, however the Celts observed that this tree produced some of the sweetest berries among the sacred tribe of trees, at their most succulent and sweetest after a hard frost… the blessing comes after the challenge.

The elder too, as the Goddess tree, the Elder Mother, The Queen of Herbs, full of magical, sacred properties; a tree of beginnings and endings, of birth and death, a spirit of transformation and the crossing of thresholds…

It's wonderful to be a part of this 20 minute film about Penzance, Cornwall and the local area, by Italian filmmaker Sara Pozzoli.

Sara contacted me a while ago after seeing my exhibition over the summer, and asked if I'd like to take part in her film, featuring the town and its traditions ...

I watched the finished film over Christmas and it's a beautiful, gentle portrait of a day, from sunrise to sunset... with the Battery Rocks Belles and Buoys wild swimmers, wild food foraging, Newlyn fishermen and market, rag-rugging, St Michael's Mount, fish and chips, an artisan shepherdess & basket-maker, local singers, the Golowan band and much more....

... including me at 11:55 mins in, for about 1.5 mins, bundled up due to a cold and blepharitis! walking to Portheras Cove with Jake :-) and then back at home with the star - Charley the cat! - helping me with the finishing touches on my skylark felting x 

*** You need to sign in the first time, to watch, but then you can cancel again. After the sign-up email the channel does not send you any more emails ***

I've been reading the wonderful 'A Year with Rilke' translated and edited by Joanna Macy and Anita Barrows; these are daily readings which bring together many of Rilke's beautiful works, and for the 3rd of January is the poem 'Entering', from 'Book of Images' - just right for the year's beginning:

'Entering' by Rainer Maria Rilke

Whoever you may be: step into the evening.
Step out of the room where everything is known.
Whoever you are,
your house is the last before the far-off.
With your eyes, which are almost too tired
to free themselves from the familiar,
you slowly take one black tree
and set it against the sky: slender, alone.
And you have made a world.
It is big
and like a word, still ripening in silence.
And though your mind would fabricate its meaning,
your eyes tenderly let go of what they see.


Rilke's poetry often explores beginnings and departures, seeing and creating anew, being on the verge of the undiscovered... and stillness - evoking a presence beyond words and concepts. I always see strong visuals and colours when I read his work and love the creating and letting go in this poem...

Do you find this too? That when reading poetry or any form of writing, you experience colours and visuals?... I'd love to know whether reading inspires you to paint and create.

​It's wonderful to be showing my new works alongside Marg Mason's beautiful paintings and Katrina Slack's quirkily fantastic wire sculptures in the current exhibition at Morvah Schoolhouse Gallery.

Exhibitions can be exhilarating and rewarding. They also take a lot of practical preparation and are often emotionally challenging too - with the old faithful 'imposter phenomenon' turning up once again, attempting to influence, derail and even sabotage the day, with its questioning, mocking and varied array of voices. The physical sensations in the body of fear, sickness, shakiness, shame and vulnerability, amongst many others, can take a strong grip too. Sometimes so strongly that not turning up, not going through with it seems the absolute best option. (Certainly not a 'for she is of the tribe of tiger' -type feeling! - see pic above :))

Does this sound familiar to you at all? ... whether exhibitions or any situation where you are 'being seen'.

Fortunately, in my experience more and more, these voices and sensations which occur can be observed and acknowledged for what they are - emanations from 'the monkey mind' :-) (I like this term, often used in Advaita pointings) or the ego, 'the conditioned self' that each of us has as our persona. The learned responses from over many years  jump in on cue. These can be limiting beliefs, notions that keep us stuck, hiding... entrenched ideas of who we believe ourselves to be. Ironically, they could be seen as trying to keep us safe, too, when we're in situations that could threaten/are difficult... however, often these very situations are those that help us grow and therefore, ultimately, enable us to shed those layers of voices and conditioning. The ego doesn't want this to happen, of course, as it's secure in its comfort zone, believing itself to be the CEO, (because we let it) and needing us to stay where we are, so it can continue to exist and control/manage us, business as usual.

Recognising that as our real self, we are not our responses or feelings or fears or thoughts or behaviours has been a wonderful liberation for me, a sense that I've felt for so long, since very young, but have not actually 'lived' the truth of...

When new experiences and opportunities unfold, the fears can be recognised, acknowledged and even respected as intense sensations that are a part of who we are in the world; we can say hello to them and not 'mind' them. We can remain unattached. It's ok, they can be right there whilst I continue to plan, to organise the exhibition, to meet others on the day, to socialise... they fluctuate in their strength and presence too, whilst I bubble-wrap my work...' You're not good enough', 'who do you think you are?... yes yes, I hear and feel you, thank you :-) - they hate to be ignored and will up-level until I listen, then they're more at ease... and as Eckhart Tolle would say, on letting be and allowing, try asking yourself,  'Can I be the space for this?' - and that's what I wrote on the inside of my palm, in Biro pen yesterday, when the anxiety was very strong just before driving to the event. 

And it was genuinely fun, fresh, spontaneous and enjoyable and yes! I could be the space for this, for all these emotions and I could let them 'be' and they didn't derail me... and they even disappeared into the shadows to rest for a bit at many points throughout the afternoon.

I often do EFT, meditate, read inspiring authors and poets, watch and participate in satsangs online, listen to music, carry rose quartz, write on my palms :-))) for learning, grounding, self-compassion and reassurance and pointers in the moment. 

I'd love to know what you do to help at particularly anxious times.

 x Rowena

​Some photos from the (truly!) wonderful afternoon...fears and all

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... and to be the space which does not change :-) 

I love this 7 min video by Robert Holden which is so clear on the unconditioned Self, the conditioned self ..and ultimately all in Oneness x

My son and I have recently returned from an amazing and memorable 3-day holiday in Iceland exploring Reykjavik, The Golden Circle (a wonderful guide with ‘Grayline Tours’) and The Blue Lagoon… an adventure full of geysers, hot springs, tectonic plates and famous fissures, the original Viking parliament, a beautiful waterfall at Gullfoss, bubbling mud pools, silky milky-blue mineral rich waters, elves and trolls, moss covered lava fields and much more..!

I was also on the lookout, a little bit! for sheep on our travels, as always hope to find some strands attached to bushes and branches but we only saw a few sheep, roaming wild in the far distance beneath the mountains, eating moss and herbs…and apart from a few Icelandic birch there are very few trees to catch wool on….

The Icelandic sheep is an ancient North European breed, slightly smaller than modern varieties, whose double-layered coat is uniquely suited to cold and wet conditions. The inner layer, or thel, is insulating, superlight and very airy, while the outer layer, or tog, is long, strong and water repellent. Carded together, these two layers make lopi, versatile wool used to knit lopapeysa, the distinctive traditional Icelandic sweater of concentric rings. I'd love one of these but they are hugely expensive and my knitting skills are not exactly up to the 'lopapeysa'!
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‘At summer’s apex, the number of sheep in Iceland outnumbers the human population three to one, at approximately 500,000. Allowed to roam wild in the summer, they are ubiquitous on the island’s barren, rocky landscape, sometimes scaling giant mountains in search of edible moss and herbs, where they can only be seen as tiny white, black and brown specks thousands of feet in the air.’

Excerpt taken from: ‘Why Farmers and Knitters Are Fixated on Icelandic Sheep’

A wonderful chance meeting with a visitor to Morvah Schoolhouse recently inspired a new venture in 3D :-)

Mary makes felted pots and vessels and also keeps alpacas and she very kindly gave me a large bag of last year’s shearing from her 12-year-old, Josephine. The fleece is beautifully soft, a wonderful quality with subtle stripes and colour variation and a slight crimp too - such a joy to handle.

It's fantastic to know the provenance of the wools and fleeces, especially to this extent! and in feeling sure that the animals are treated with kindness and respect. This is fundamental to the work I do - further details here.
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To make the pot, you can use a cheapy resist (£1 silicone baking sheet) and table mats. I cut a large circle in the resist and pre-felted three layers of wool around it, then, with a good amount of felting, the resist starts to buckle as the fibres shrink and you can cut a smallish hole in the felt and pull it out. (In the final layer I added a few strands of French D’Arles Merino for a little more colour contrast - darker brown - and then decided to sew a few ridges into the surface for interest whilst wet.) Finally, shape the pot and fill with bubble-wrap then leave it to dry in the sun (and the airing cupboard). 

Felted pots/vessels and pods have such an organic nature, they feel truly beautiful to hold and you can create any shape, size and design, and each type of wool will create a different texture. The alpaca wool is very fine and soft so adding a little more of another wool such as Merino or maybe Texel (quite bulky and resilient) might be a good idea next time to increase sturdiness and I don’t think I felted mine for long enough this time... I might still sew a few more ridges too... they resemble texture on bark a little...

I can imagine future designs with simple embellishing, birds, ferns, flowers, plants, insects …maybe felt plates, platters, dishes, pots, sculptural pieces….endless!

​The wonder of felt is that you are creating the form whilst also making the fabric and it's great to watch what happens and unfolds along the way :-)

There are many online tutorials for making felted vessels and I think I might follow one next time to get some more handy tips and hints. I'd also like to start working out how to film my work to make time-lapse videos (my son can help me with this!) and when I create another pot/pod I'll write more detailed notes... this first time was a real (pretty messy!) experiment :-)​

Thank you Mary and Josephine for the inspiration, the tips and technique using resists - and your beautiful fleece xx

I was so happy to take part in a charity art auction this month, for Cornwall Hospice Care at The Exchange gallery, part of 'Newlyn Art Gallery and The Exchange' in Penzance.  The event raised much needed funds for this important charity and was attended by many.

It was an honour for me to show my work alongside many well-known and inspiring local artists and it's wonderful to know that my felting, inspired by a line in a poem by the local poet W.S. Graham has found a happy home.
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Two years ago, in a very dark place, I started a course, after weeks of researching and reading many books and articles and ultimately finding out more about Narcissism, and not the everyday ‘oh they love themselves’ breezy definition but full-blown NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), an illness which has shattering effects on others - it is insidious, destructive, suffocating, controlling and manipulative. Throughout my research, things started to fit together, so much resonated with my own experiences - then I came across these articles and videos… and soon after, I signed up to ‘The No to Narcissist Programme for HSPs’.
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This was not a course which focused on the Narcissist, a blessed relief after so many years, or which looked at ‘blaming’, but on liberating myself from a lifetime of (mostly) unconscious patterns and in understanding how these entrenched patterns of my own behaviour meant - and there was struggle with this at first - I had to recognise my own responsibility in the types of personal relationship I’d had as an adult. Most importantly, with growing knowledge and understanding, things slotted into place, made sense; I woke up and felt the strength I had, in that I had the capacity to change this, and so started the intense inner work and stopped participating in the nightmarish ‘key and lock’ dance. Rather than trying to heal/ sacrifice yourself to the Narcissist (impossible black hole) you can heal yourself.

Patterns of codependency, in the form of wanting to please, fix, help, care for, show infinite compassion for, along with having a gentle and sensitive nature, can attract/draw us towards those intensely needy of attention and care, to those who lack empathy, who can never get enough, who are takers, ‘you’ are never enough, to those who can be demanding, controlling, easily enraged, with a sense of entitlement... Over years, for the codependent, this leads to a debilitating lack of self-compassion, self-respect, self-care, feelings of inadequacy, never being ‘good enough’ and feeling completely disassociated from who you are – even your emotions are not your own; you are, in effect, written by the other and then erased, repeatedly. ‘Love’ is utterly conditional on pleasing them.

The patterns reach back to childhood and a subtle, often unconscious 'training' by the parent. A certain level of influence happens with all parenting to some extent, of course, but with a narcissistic parent who allows for no boundaries between them and you (you are, in their world, an extension of themselves, a little like an ‘object’ they own) it can take such a damaging/all-embracing form that patterns can be set up for a life-time. Many who have grown up with this will go on to have relationships with narcissists, who have similar behavioural traits to the parent, thereby continuing the abusive dynamic with which they are so familiar.

This often means the caring, giving partner easily dismisses the abuse (oh, they’re wonderful really, they don’t mean it, if only you really knew them like I do, it’s my job to ensure they are happy, it was my fault, they need me’ etc etc) taking on board and internalising, over and over again, the subtle insults (which grow less and less subtle over time), the dishonestly, hurtfulness, blatant lying, rage attacks, shaming, blaming, dumping of their own black crap onto you, violence, tantrums, gas-lighting, disrespect of any boundaries, projection and telling you ‘you’re ill’, stonewalling, use of ‘double-binds’ (conflicting messages creating a ‘no win’ situation, causing confusion and anxiety), using children as emotional pawns and crutches, claiming their alcoholism, addictions, issues, their rage etc etc as ‘Your’ fault…and ‘Can’t you Fucking SEE that!!!!??’ and this can lead to the response, ‘Oh I’m so sorry that I’ve upset you, I’ll make amends… I know you love me really... you do...don’t you?’, on the floor, desperately searching for crumbs of affection.

Quite often the ‘charm’ – a manipulative tool – and show of adoration in the beginning sweeps you off your feet and is as false as the tears they shed when they sob ‘no-one understands me’ which makes you feel empathy and sympathise… and keeps you stuck….and so the dance continues… Others wonder why you don’t leave, change, but you are blinded by this limited lens, cut off, manipulated so well in this painful drama, which often isn’t seen on the outside by others, and is so hard to explain.

And not only that, but there’s the quashing and sometimes ridiculing of your natural light, your beauty, warmth, joy, positivity, empathy for others, curiosity, creativity and love as ‘idiotic’, ‘wrong’ and not important, or it can be ‘claimed’ by the other, so that it is not, and never was, your own (they just cannot seem to experience these things for themselves) to the point where you curl up and your light is hidden, unconsciously, and at times consciously, for gentle protection, nurtured, just a tiny free glimmer in its own space, behind years of layers of coping, traumatic experiences and events.

My relationships were like this and it finally took an abusive marriage to wake me up, for which, in the most heart-wrenching, painful, difficult – but understandable way now – I am hugely grateful…however strange that might sound.

I love this quote from the poet Mary Oliver:

‘Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.’
 
This isn’t to condone abuse, ever, but over the last few years, looking into this darkness has helped to shed so much light and has subsequently guided me so beautifully well in my life. I’ve learnt so much, felt so much, met many inspirational people and deeply cherished friends, and have spent time on practices brimming full of self-compassion and self-respect, focusing on love and consciousness, a celebration and unfolding of life, exploring, experimenting, letting go of old limiting beliefs and patterns, establishing new joyous, life-affirming healthy ones and becoming a positive and loving role-model for my son …and so ending the generational legacy of such abusive relationships.
 
The 6 month course, ‘No to Narcissists’ by Caroline Van Kimmenade from The Happy Sensitive appeared, as a gift from grace at exactly the right time and I was hungry and ready for it. I couldn’t believe the perfect timing. And it was a delicious, nutritious, at times necessarily extremely chewy, bitter, sweet and sour, nutty :-), juicy, satisfying, comforting, reassuring, inspiring, surprising, energy restoring - and giving - packed full of wisdom and variety …healthy bar! (If it were a bar :-) I’m surprised at how that analogy began!) And not a snack (although you could focus on little pieces) but a full-to-bursting menu of the most wonderful restorative and insightful information, practices, processes and support that you can imagine.

It changed my life …and, more than anything, the Narcissism issue is secondary for me now, as the course opened up a million more important and fascinating things, on getting to know myself, building confidence, loving my sensitivity for the strength it is, working with vulnerability, Boundaries!! Boundaries, little and big!!  (beautiful and wonderful and full of self-knowledge, self-compassion and respect), meeting wonderful friends from around the world, sharing, listening, speaking, learning… and now I also have a healthy Narcissist radar and can choose interactions from a wiser place.

Also, being introduced to many other thinkers, writers, practitioners has been invaluable – the course is thorough and intense and so much is generously shared that it becomes a springboard for other discoveries too. There are many articles, audios and videos that I still listen to regularly and I love that I have the course materials and access forever, as I enjoy returning to parts and reassessing, ever-learning and there is always relevance to different aspects in my life.

Due to this course, the wonderful support and the changes that occurred within me, I was also able to establish my new creative art business ‘Rowena Scotney Feltings’ which is going from strength to strength and which I could never have done before. At the time it was terrifying, being seen, coming out of hiding, putting my work ‘out there’ but now it is the source of so much pleasure and achievement, a space where I celebrate joy, colour, poetry, nature and life.

Whilst taking the course I wrote copious notes and 100s of desktop post-its, responses, thoughts, ideas, and it was fascinating to revisit these both throughout the duration of the course and over the last few years. I could clearly see how I’d changed, so very much, with growth and new understanding …and I gently care a great deal for the ‘me’ who wrote the first ones :-)

When Caroline Van Kimmenade asked if I’d like my artwork to illustrate a ‘Monthly Calendar and Notes’ booklet to accompany the course, for insights, mood tracking and reminders, I was overjoyed, thankful and honoured. I'm so happy to be associated with this programme, for the journey, the knowledge, the experiential learning and fundamentally for what it stands for, for me: a positive life force celebration, a refusal to be quashed, a wise-ing up and an honouring of the gift of sensitivity for the strength it is - all qualities that I celebrate in my life and creative work and will be exploring further and sharing in the future, with new projects and ideas.

If anything resonates with you here, I'd love to hear... and please do check out The Happy Sensitive for a wealth of wonderful resources.

…And here it is!

Thank you to The Happy Sensitive so amazingly much xx

Ps. I'm happy this post is going out on May Day  - here's to the Spring and the Summer :-) ​
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I applied to become part of the 'Made in Cornwall' scheme in order to let customers know that trading standards have been met and surpassed regarding the Cornish authenticity of my work. All my work is created here, inspired, almost always, by local landscapes, nature and wildlife and often by Cornish poets too. I also aim to use as much fleece from the beautiful local sheep  as I can - a truly Cornish celebration :-) Good for my - increasingly international! -  friends to know and also the many tourists who love visiting this beautiful county.

I'm also hoping to network with other small Cornish businesses and to share and learn from them as much as I can in this growing, step by step business adventure!

​*****
'Cornwall is renowned for being a special place, rich in heritage and outstanding natural beauty.  It is home to a vibrant business community producing an extensive range of artistic and hand crafted items, specialty food and drink, through to highly specialist technical products, and has built a reputation for quality and excellence. The Made in Cornwall scheme showcases the best of Cornish-made products.' 

                                                                                     from the Made in Cornwall scheme website

It was wonderful to meet Italian filmmaker Sara Pozzoli and her husband Anthony just before the New Year, on a bright, beautiful sunny day in far west Cornwall.
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Sara had seen my exhibition in the Summer and asked if I'd like to feature in a film she's making about Penzance and the surrounding area, for Italian National TV. I would have a 5 mins or so slot with other local artists, writers, bakers and more ...

My initial response, with my usual fears and natural urge to hide, was 'arrgg No', mixed with a huge sense of gratitude that Sara had thought of me when planning her film...and also an excited curiosity! I had also been nervous about the Archie Brown's exhibition, (especially the private view!) but it did really well, I sold many pieces and received great feedback...so it's amazing how things can unfold when we don't allow fears and older patterns to dictate what we do... when, deeply we know it's right for us.

My new art business journey has been a series of challenges, new learnings, wonderful meetings, late night thinking, planning and brainstorming new ideas/possibilities ...and also a being open to the beautiful, unexpected, surprising and joyous unfoldings!
...and I could never have planned or brainstormed for this one :-)

Just a few stills of the morning...x

Please click the Twitter post below to see my latest newsletter  - and maybe ...subscribe for a discount :)

Thank you thank you immeasurably Leonard Cohen, I hardly know where to begin, for the light and profound grace, the poetry and music ... the humour too... for the spaces and tones and nuances between the light and dark, their beauty, shapes, playfulness, seriousness, literariness, colour, sparks and excitingly warm possibilities...the spaces I love...  and for helping me for almost 30 years and however many more...

 You are so very present always

To more gentleness and poetry in the world. 

Gentle this soul

'Ahh the crickets are singing
The Vesper bells ringing
​The cat's curled asleep in his chair...

...

She said, "I'll be with you
My shawl wrapped around you
My hand on your head when you go"
And the night comes on
And it's very calm...'


Goodnight Leonard Cohen x​

                                                                                                
​Leonard Cohen's timeless wisdom on democracy and its redemptions - article by Maria Popova




And...
Pico Iyer on What Leonard Cohen Teaches Us about Presence and the Art of Stillness​

...And on poetry, designing a building...a country and Dylan's 'fading into the parade'. Oh, I love this 10min interview - such beautiful, authentic, aware, wonderful & creative responses...the questions appear to try to label him or box him in, but they stand no chance! ...

​'The Guests' with photos by Henri Cartier Bresson...so beautiful
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Also... another wonderful Leonard interview x

Such a little thing for some but a big thing for me and a sign to myself that I'm taking developing my business seriously ...

At last I have purchased my own domain name to have a more professional website

www.rowenascotney.com 

(glad it was still available :-))

For over two years I've tiptoed around doing this  - a mixture of uncertainty, lacking confidence, not fully committing...but now I am! 
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A big Thank you to all who have signed up!! It helped spur me on with navigating Mailchimp and getting started... :-) 

Future monthly newsletters will hopefully have exclusive content, felting videos (yes, i am determined to master the time-lapse video!) and freebies now and then....

..and I'd love to hear from you about anything you might like to know about felting, exhibitions.....the creative process... and I'd love to learn from you and any other fellow felters :-) 

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Just a short post about the joys of the little distractions that can help you to get back on track with tasks that are less than enjoyable!

I discovered this simple doodle maker a while ago http://draw.to and have found that if I'm working on an issue that I struggle with, I can take a 3-5 min break, create a splash of colour - either abstract patterns or something more representational (!) and feel re-charged!

The 'Spider and bird with the cobweb sky' was doodled in the midst of very dull workings out for tax and HMRC purposes...I then managed to get back to the number crunching and finished the arduous task :-) Much happier with the creative intermission!!
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It might be interesting/revealing to unravel the symbolism here too! 

I find focusing on something else, even such a little intuitive doodle can help so much with 'freeing and relaxing' which then enables far better working and understanding of the original task. As a teacher I'd always encourage a little doodle-time for the students who would definitely benefit, however, sadly, this isn't encouraged and I'm sure would be frowned upon by Ofsted/other teachers when written into a formal lesson plan... hmmm...i never thought to add it when I was observed,.. I should have!
...it works and is wonderful.

A beautiful sunny Saturday for ​visiting artists' Open Studios - with my son and two borrowed, joyous, energetic dogs! and had a funny, mixed day... with wonderful, inspiring art...

I've been going to the Open Studios for quite a few years, all around Cornwall, and have always loved the diversity of the artists and their work, seeing their processes, working spaces, chatting sometimes -  it's all a privilege and fascinating... and dreaming of maybe taking part one year. Whilst walking around, I was struck again at how such a deep and painful lack of confidence has led me to disregard so much that I've done over the years - including painting, drawing, ceramics, writing, qualifications, teaching, successes...(socialising and speaking were incredibly hard too)... and to feel such a sense of awe for others.

Over the last two years I've started to show some of my feltings, which was  terrifying at first– but alongside other leaps in new, personal understanding, little by little it became easier and the self-admonishment of ‘daring to speak’/having a voice at all has become less and less. At (college) work last week, I thought about how I often dismiss what I do when I say to others, ‘Oh it’s nothing really, just some feltings, some ideas...’, when people ask and especially around ‘real’ artists (as I’ve always thought them, and they are, of course!).

Why do I (still) do this? I am belittling something I care deeply about – my work that is starting to develop and do so well, giving pleasure to others, too, is not 'nothing, really'. My joy is also in the process and in expressing myself with poetry that I’ve always loved and how this has been a continued light for me through some dark times. It needs nurturing, encouragement, belief, respect, kindness and continued curiosity towards new avenues and openings to let it flow and unfold – always a celebration! - and funnily it happens in a space where 'I', the 'conditioned' Rowena am not ... liberating! :-). I feel small and sad when I speak negatively about it, it's like a betrayal, and a shifting of the critical voices from myself to my work, a side-swipe back to me, as ultimately the work just 'is' and happy in itself!  I decided last week that I would not speak negatively about it anymore, but I found today, just days later, that the old instant response jumped in again when an artist was complimentary towards my work.

I have so many ideas to explore and these curl away, grey, unhappy, when I put them down. I felt so sad this afternoon, listening to myself when speaking dismissively...but am aware and so no more! 

And the beautiful dogs...after a few studios and pulling back and fluster - poor Plum and Milo! - they had lots of hugs, tickles and pinecones :-) and then they ran free and happy across the open fields, no constraint, just endless bounding and discovering! Wonderful teachers!

I was wondering whether this resonates with you at all and also, perhaps, how you've learned to overcome it, or work alongside it?...maybe using these feelings and transforming them into a new strength in your work, art, career... life! Please do leave any comments :-) 

I also thought about a recent Radio 4 series and this (really entertaining) episode in particular - Oliver Burkeman on feeling a fraud and how this can constrict you - amongst other things!

​... I also thought about 'The Opening of the Field' - a collection of poetry by Robert Duncan ...and the first poem:


Often I Am Permitted to Return to a Meadow

as if it were a scene made-up by the mind,   
that is not mine, but is a made place,

that is mine, it is so near to the heart,   
an eternal pasture folded in all thought   
so that there is a hall therein

that is a made place, created by light   
wherefrom the shadows that are forms fall.

Wherefrom fall all architectures I am
I say are likenesses of the First Beloved   
whose flowers are flames lit to the Lady.

She it is Queen Under The Hill
whose hosts are a disturbance of words within words   
that is a field folded.

It is only a dream of the grass blowing   
east against the source of the sun
in an hour before the sun’s going down

whose secret we see in a children’s game   
of ring a round of roses told.

Often I am permitted to return to a meadow   
as if it were a given property of the mind   
that certain bounds hold against chaos,

that is a place of first permission,   
everlasting omen of what is.


Robert Duncan, “Often I Am Permitted to Return to a Meadow” from The Opening of the Field. Copyright © 1960 by Robert Duncan. 
Source: Selected Poems (New Directions Publishing Corporation, 1993)

I'm so happy to have been sent some wool from my wonderful friend Allyson in New Zealand, whose friend Cilla lives in Waihi Gorge, a beautiful and scenic area by the river and a waterfall ...it sounds idyllic…and perfect for her sheep too!

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Cilla explained a little about the breed - 'Arapawa wool comes from sheep that originated from Arapawa Island in Marlborough Sounds since 130 years ago. Lean, light-boned, alert, bright eyes; they are active sheep and have survived hostile terrain and situations. They are resistant to lots of illnesses such as fly strike and are very good mothers naturally.

You will notice the different texture of the wool as you felt it – the brown is very soft and easy to felt, the grey wool has an elasticity and stretch in it that is completely different from the brown wool.’
 
Thank you so much Allyson and Cilla - and Fernando, Lola and Luna! What beautiful sheep and I can't wait to get felting :-) xxxxx

I really should be doing some felting on my day off work but suddenly remembered a Leonard Cohen interview I saw on YouTube over a year ago... so will listen, look and felt too :-) Also still trying to become a little more savvy with linking via Twitter/FB and website...

There's a moment in Part 1, 2 or 3 where he sees a squirrel in a tree through the window behind the interviewer. The memory of that moment stayed with me from when I first watched :-)